Every now and then I’ll be toying around Facebook and I’ll come across the status update of some female ‘friend’ I’ve never met, who I wouldn’t be able to pick out of a lineup if I actually saw in the street. Sometimes they are very whiny, making vague statements about how sad, or frustrating, or boring their life is. And then there are those times when they just come right out and say what I assumed they were speaking ambiguously of in the first place which is that they’re mad because they don’t have a man. Something typical they might express is that they are going to “Let go and Let God” in their manquest.
Now let me first say that I have met some true Christians in my life who believe all their glory lies in their faith. They have lived their lives in accordance to being faithful to the men they had or awaiting the men God wanted for them. And while I don’t agree I commend them for the courage and passion I lack. But clearly some of these women are just looking for an excuse not to take responsibility for their actions. I know this because I do it all the time. I struggle with using God for convenience to bail me out of tough situations too. I don’t waste my wishes on petty things like Love or relationships. I save my prayers for truly important matters like not getting pulled over because there’s a bench warrant for my arrest even though I got the ticket and ignored my court date 8 months ago. But just like every other person in the world my life would be so much easier if I just did what I was supposed to do, like bringing my car in for regular maintenance instead of waiting for starting mechanisms to fail before I address the problem (Speaking of which, has anyone else noticed that once you bring in a car for one thing something else will inevitably go wrong as soon as you get it back?
Part of me believes that all mechanics take a secret oath not to tell us civilians that they are sabotaging our cars to get quicker return trips to the shop.) That being said I’ve been playing around with a theory for the past few weeks. If you don’t have somebody in your life it’s because you don’t really want somebody in your life.
I’m not trying to indoctrinate anyone with my religious beliefs, but I must reiterate I don’t believe God works the way these women think God does. I think it’s a contradiction most folk are comfortable with to believe in both free will and chosen paths. The only convenient way to believe in both of them is Divine intervention, which I also feel is something someone made up when they couldn’t articulate that they wanted to believe something out of convenience. Which is ok by me cause I rather like the idea of divine intervention. But even if you subscribe to ‘DI’ it’s safe to say it’s a little more than intervention when God is arranging your marriages. If you are insisting that the person who is supposed to be in your life isn’t there because God hasn’t yet put them there you could be right… but you could also be making excuses, because when God tried to hook you up with several other people you were busy trying to tell God why you didn’t want to holla.
This theory doesn’t apply to people who have recently broken up with someone or been broken up with. Rather those who have been perpetually single for several years ‘unable’ to find a match. There is this woman I casually dated a while back. We went our separate ways but I became privy to her life once again very recently. Without getting into too many details about this person I’ll just say I saw her through a whole new lens after not thinking of her romantically for so long. Where before I had taken things at face value she had expressed about her previous lover, now I realized she had embellished on her victimization when recounting the past. She flattered herself speaking about how devout she was to the union in spite of his inattentiveness. Now I’m not saying it was all fabrication, however, I am saying had I heard his side of the story I’m sure there would be some truths exposed that would shed a different light on her accusations. But I think the important observation is that I learned the most disingenuous of her statements were those of desire for a significant relationship.
The truth of the matter is that she was in a very meaningful situation with this man, which broke down for whatever reason, and she had the opportunity to work things out but decided against it while simultaneously deciding to continue engaging with him in relationship-like ways, thus not allowing herself to be open to new situations. Meanwhile she went to Church every Sunday, taking notes, and searching for spiritual guidance in the pastor’s sermon to shape her love life. She, like most people in denial, had other opportunities for other meaningful situations while she was still playing house with the previous tenant. The thought of investing emotions towards someone new in that critical of a way did not move her as much as she claimed it did. In her mind and behavior she would do things to make sure that all of her romantic interests, past, present and future, were at an arms length. Who knows the impetus? It could have been a fear of vulnerability. It could have been because she was more attracted to the pursuit than the actual practice of love. But the one thing that rang true for me was that she had gotten exactly what she wanted.
So I took it a step further and started evaluating some other past love interests. And my hypothesis seemed to hold true. Those who ended with me because I was not what they were looking for in a relationship found what they were looking for in someone else. And for those who preferred to blame the demise of the relationship on the other party (me) they were still single and still finding reasons for their failed relationships not to be their fault.
Then I turned the scope on myself and did some evaluation on the differences between how I have been in the past when I felt I wanted a relationship and not. While there were quite a few relationships I’ve been in where I couldn’t have done any more to make it work, I’ve also been in plenty where I couldn’t have done less. But the truth I’ve learned is that as much as I’d have liked to believe it was never me, it can’t always be someone else’s fault. If you actually believe that you have that much bad luck then it must be because God doesn’t love you, in which case I don’t know why you would call on him to save you now.
My assistant coach one time told me something that has stuck with me since. He was talking about our team’s apathetic play of late and he said “Hungry players do hungry things.” Just the same way having a voracious attitude on a court will result in success a drive to sate your hunger will result in being full. God doesn’t put you in the room at the right time. God doesn’t send messages through burning bushes or by way of bumping into Darren Sharper at Republic.
God gives you the power of discernment and common sense. You are ordering your own steps….step your game up.