Top 10 Fictional White People I wouldn’t Mind Being if I had to be a Fictional White Person

I was listening to my IPOD today while cutting grass and a song from one of my favorite 80’s movies came to mind. So since most of the white characters in movies I like are based in 80’s movies I came up with this list. It was initially intended to be a 10 man list but apparently there are more fictional white men I would like to be than I thought. Since I’m not a mean person there were a lot of characters who didn’t make this list because they weren’t very nice people. That being said…
Honorable mention
ValmontPhotobucketHe couldn’t crack the top 20 because all of his intentions were pretty sinister. He proved in the end not to be such a terrible guy. He was just weak. But how can you not admire his body of work? And a good amount of time these women were aware of each other.
Han Solo/Indiana JonesPhotobucket I actually don’t want to be them because I never saw either of these characters get a break from fighting evil or whatever they were fighting. But I can only assume they lived pretty good lives in between all the fighting because of how cool they are.
Jim Halpert-The Office/Peter Petrelli- Heroes. I have a crush on Jim’s relationship with Pam. PhotobucketJim is obviously the coolest person on television and he gets to spend significant time with Dwight Schrute. I don’t think I’ll ever end up in an office but if I do I will be the Jim Halpert of that office. And Peter Petrelli Photobucketcould have cracked the list if Heroes hadn’t started sucking so bad in the second season. Ultimately both of these characters are too young in my mind to overtake any of the other guys. I’ve only been watching the Office for a year and Heroes for two, and one of those Heroes years I couldn’t even like Peter because he wasn’t doing any of the great stuff that makes him who he is.
20. Neo-MatrixPhotobucket
He was a pretty cool dude as far as what he could do and his cause was a decent one but he never really got any time for himself with his skill set after he took that pill. It’s kind of a waste of all those great powers if the only time you have them you’re either running from or fighting with Smiths.
19. Superman in Superman 3 Photobucket
I couldn’t take Superman from any of the other Superman’s because ultimately Zod and Lex Luther are much better characters. But in 3 he got to be evil Superman for a little bit, which he didn’t really do anything too terribly bad, but he did bang that chick who was the villain’s girl. So He at least got a break from being all goody two shoes plus he had lana and Lois Lane fighting over him when he was good superman and he got to hang with Richard Pryor circa “Brewster’s Millions.”
18. Chris (George Clooney) Solaris Photobucket
Maybe I just have a non-sexual attraction to George Clooney because about half of the stuff in this movie he was either pining over his dead wife, or trying to kill her again. But He had some ok moments in his flashbacks and ultimately he gets to live out the life he wanted which I could definitely live that life and be pretty ok with it. I think I may have over ranked this because I might rather be Evil Superman for half a movie than depressed Chris Kelvin for half.
17. Christian Bale as BatmanPhotobucket
Another tough decision. Especially since in the latest installment he shared time with the Joker, who was obviously the dominant screen presence of any villain so far this millennium. Ultimately I prefer Christian Bales Batman to the others because he’s darker therefore cooler, even though that darker seems to be because he’s deeper entrenched in his tragic flaws and quest to bring Justice to Gotham. But it’s hard passing up the chance to be Batman so I’ll go with the one with the black man making his toys for him.
16. Harris Telemacher (Steve Martin) L.A. Story Photobucket
He lives the most interesting life of someone who’s constantly bored and in that way I can identify well with him. He has cool friends and then friends he doesn’t like at all but gets to make fun of in great ways. Then he gets to bone a young Sarah Jessica Parker who is pretty much everything I want in a woman even now, in her portrayal of SAnDeE. I’m not sure if I would rather Be Harris when I get older or if I’d just rather have a friend just like him.
15. William Wallace-BraveheartPhotobucket
The fact that he is ranked higher than some of my favorite characters who got to live is a tribute to how strong a character he is. His life wasn’t fun most of the time but he did get to match up against the greatest villain ever and his efforts proved to be victorious which is all any hero can ask for. If you’re going to die in a movie then it better be the beautiful one that the people on this list who die have in common. And then in his death he ends up getting the girl which was all he ever cared about anyway. Inspire your country, vanquish your enemy and bone his daughter in law first, then meet up with your wife in the afterlife which you were ready to get to the whole time since her death. Not a bad way to go.
14. Tyler DurdenPhotobucket
Oh to have the super power of the loss of inhibition. I try to be my own Tyler Durden most of the time and do a reasonably good job at it, but it’s all mimicry of the original. I probably would have been Tyler but stayed in the Condo with all the Ikea furniture instead of living on Paper St. And I guess ultimately I don’t really feel like getting in fist fights every night. But I guess my Tyler Durden would have adapted to whatever Gian’s version of a loss of inhibition would amount to.
13. Johnny DangerouslyPhotobucket
He was mostly a spoof character but that worked because he got to be super cool and super funny. Along with Airplane this is the only spoof movie I can still watch and not get tired of. Besides it would be hard not to have a list of white guys I would want to be and leave off Michael Keaton who’s been some of my favorite Batmen and a host of other white guys I thought were pretty cool.
12. Zach Morris
If Zach wasn’t so misguided he would have been ranked in the top 5. Why he wasted all that time pining over Kelly Kapowski when he should have been trying to get with Lisa or Jesse I’ll never understand. I guess his boys were already messing with them so maybe it was some sense of loyalty but he probably should have been trying to Holla at Lisa since like 6th grade anyway. Then he had that other chick who worked at the resort or whatever and she was pretty hot. But Zach was one of the most easily Identifiable people of my generation since he was not too much older than me. He lived a life with little parent intrusion and did nothing but hang out and give Belding trouble.
11. Hutch-Starsky and HutchPhotobucket
I still want to be most of the characters Owen Wilson plays but this is my favorite. At some point in the movie he’s in between two girls and they all want to just get it on and he tells them “we shouldn’t even judge this.” How poignant and precise to facilitate that three way action. He’s so easy going with that dry wit in all of his movies, but I think this is the one that put it over the top for me.
10. Eugene Morris Jerome-Brighton Beach Memoirs/Biloxi Blues Photobucket
This is cool because I get to be two different guys version of the same character, both of which I loved the portrayal although I lean more towards Jonathan Silverman’s over Matthew Broderick’s. Satire is my favorite form of comedy and Eugene along with his mother were great cynics. Plus characters that get to talk directly to the screen always have an advantage with me.
9. Mike McD-RoundersPhotobucket
His superpower is playing poker. He had a great score to his movie and inspired a generation of young poker players into deviant, addictive life styles. Matt Damon will never have a cooler role even though Jason Bourne does some okay stuff he’ll never crack a top ten for James Bond types, And Will Hunting is as good a brooding loner as you can find but nobody really wants to live his life even though it would be pretty cool to be friends with him. But Mike McD has mood and style on his side in this well directed film, and he gets to be opposite Malkovich who overwhelms the movie in his 15 minutes of screentime as Teddy KGB.
8. Paul Muad’dib-Kyle Maclachlan-Dune Photobucket
He is the Kwisatz Haderach, which for those of you unfamiliar basically means he’s God on earth. His only drawback as I can see is he takes himself so seriously. But I guess the same can be said of me a lot of times so I dig that. Everyone in this movie says all kinds of cool shit constantly. And so he’s surrounded by people with these profound statements and he has his own great ones. “There is a Harkonnen among you…give this Harkonnen a blade.” Then in the end he ends up with Sean Young and Vriginia Madsen who along with Pheobe Cates are probably my three favorite white girls of my youth. And his explanation to Chani (young) for why he has to bone Irulan (Madsen) is that he has to keep the royal blood lines going, but even though he has to hit that for the sake of the universe he loves her…and she buys into it!
7. Ferris BeullerPhotobucket
I know a lot of people watching this are wondering how Ferris is ranked so low. Well the thing is Ferris, although he seems like a pretty cool guy and is dating Mia Sara, only had one really good day. What a day to have but I feel like most of the time he’s probably a pretty regular kid to the rest of the school and they were just now noticing him when they thought he was dying. I guess beyond this point he will probably ascend to greater popularity but maybe if they had had a series about him instead of Parker Lewis who wore crappy 90’ shirts and wasn’t nearly as cool, I might have had him a little higher. I never really found myself wanting to be Ferris, just wanting to do the things he did. But I could do them as myself. He still makes it to 7 which is pretty good and marks a double for Matthew Broderick which only two other people on this list can claim.
6. Jack Foley (Clooney) Out of SightPhotobucket
Another character strong enough to overcome his situation but because of it was held back slightly. He has what’s clearly the best love scene ever with J-lo when she was as fine as she ever was. And gets to hang out with Glen Michaels on occasion. His score and mood are pretty good walking music for a character I want to be, but maybe I really want to be Steven Soderbergh’s brain. Jack Foley, had he left with Buddy and let Isaiah Washington let the monster out, would have been just fine with me but he went back and ultimately lands back in jail where he’s spent half his life although he gets teamed up with the right guy for that situation when it’s all said and done. If I could just take the Chris Kelvin from the bar scene in Solaris and the Foley from the night with J-Lo (since they’re the same character anyway) Then The Chris Kelvin at the end of Soalris who spends the rest of his life on the beach in Contact with his wife, and just give them a whole movie to work with, that would quickly vault him to 2nd on this list.
5. John Cusak- One Crazy Summer/Better off DeadPhotobucket
These are exactly the same character and the movies were only a year apart so It’s fair to combine them. Plus I really want John Cusak to crack my top 5 twice because his 80’s movies were my favorite under the radar 80’s movies. It was all about Cusak too. I could throw in his character from Stand By Me which was only on screen for 5 minutes who I got the impression was a pretty cool Cusak too. But the guy in Better Off Dead probably had my second favorite soundtrack from an 80’s movie combined with my favorite hybrid character. He got significant time with screen talking, and was thrown unwittingly into some pretty fun amazing circumstances while servicing that cute French chick, and cute blonde chick in Better off Dead, along with Demi Moore in One Cray Summer. I really want him to be higher but it’s hard to argue with the next 4 guys.
4. Trent (Vince Vaughn) from SwingersPhotobucket
I found Trent at just the right time to find him. Still in my teens but nearing adulthood, and still needing someone to bridge the two for me. Trent has such a great cast around him working in his favor, and if there’s any way I would ever want to recreate myself it would be the guy who doesn’t really care as long as his boy is good. His understanding of the game and control of tempo and situation are is some next level stuff that I’ve actually applied in real life. He commands the screen constantly but without overbearing it. He’s elusive to me as a writer because although I would love to write a character like Trent I’m afraid to spoil the image I have of him in my mind.
3. Donnie DarkoPhotobucket
And this one is sentimental. I mean he’s my favorite character from my favorite movie, how can I not have him top 3. I want to be in that movie, cause it has so much depth to me, I want to be Donnies’s friend to help him on his journey, I want to be Donnie and have his soundtrack. He separates himself from Wallace because Wallace’s sacrifice helps his countrymen but by the time he dies everyone he loves besides Amish and Steven are already dead. Donnie actually gets to save his mother, sister and Gretchen and connect with them fantastically so while doing it. He’s the youngest character with the most maturity out of all I would want to be.
2. Obi Wan KenobiPhotobucket
I guess I’m mostly thinking about the Ewan McGreggor version even though the last three Star Wars were the weakest. Among Jedis to be there’s him, Yoda which involves being an 800 year old green man, and Vader/Anakin. Obviously being a Jedi is the best thing in the world to be, so If you get to choose amongst the three greatest Jedi of all time he’s a pretty good choice. Anakin kind of blew it because he was so misguided. You’re boning Natalie Portman and your bitching because Yoda doesn’t want to make you president of the Jedi when you 20? Get over it pussy. Obi Wan was the only one who really had his head on straight through all the movies. And he had a little dry humor in him too. Plus he got to go from a cool younger guy to like a cool older dad type who was looking out for young Luke’s sissy ass. If Obi wan had spent more time trying to score instead of save the galaxy he might have been number 1.
1.Chris Knight (Val Kilmer)-Real GeniusPhotobucket
The 80’s song I was listening to was from this movie which had the best soundtrack of any 80’s movie ever. Chris Knight is never on anyone’s radar and the great thing about him is he wouldn’t care anyway. He is very content to live whatever life comes to him and make the best out of it in that space. He too just like Trent is concerned above all with his boy having a good time. He’s as Brilliant as Will Hunting without the physical and alcohol abuse in his past. He’s Zach Morris if you took him away from Bayside and gave him more moxy. He’s got humor and control, and he does what he wants when he wants. He’s like the king of the Nerds and even though he should be king of the cool kids it’s obvious he knows the cool kids are all fakers and t least the nerds have the courage to follow their passions instead of trying to be like everyone else. He’s Tyler Durden without all the mischief, but just enough mischief to keep it interesting. Chris Knight can be anything he wants to be and will bring anyone under his wing who needs to be there. With the exception of Cusak, and Knight I would probably rather be me with most of these people’s powers or situations. But When I saw Real Genius for the first time I felt like Mr Glass in Unbreakable when he finally knew his purpose.


2 responses to “Top 10 Fictional White People I wouldn’t Mind Being if I had to be a Fictional White Person

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