The Main Event

The month of May is a very important one. Not just because it’s the birth month of yours truly, but it also marks the anniversary of a very important occasion to us all. So in the spirit of the 8th anniversary of this momentous occurrence I have taken the liberty of preparing something special. May 30th 2000 two young Emcees battlerapped their way into superstardom. And now thanks to Youtube and the internet highway you can see this battlerap at your leisure. So to mark the 8th anniversary of this event I will dissect for you the battle raps and declare a true winner for once and for all. Now it is important to understand the nature of a battlerap is such that you are directly in battle with a single opponent. But to be given the free reign to just talk bad about your opponent would make it a ribbing contest instead of a rap contest. With that in mind a subject is introduced and both parties must tailor their rap to fit the assigned subject. For the sake of M.C. Gimp vs J-Bo the subject was hamburger. Following is the complete breakdown of the opposing raps.

The Challenger: M.C. Gimp. And he’s only the challenger because he challenged J-Bo to a rap for battle supremacy cause that nigga J-Bo think he can freestyle. Don’t get it twisted. J-Bo was never a champ.

Phone check, fat neck (a nickname of J-Bo in his heavier days 1 pt) answer and you’ll get wrecked
Step further, Hamburger, I’ll be your fucking crew server (as in to serve his bitch ass up, and a crew server like those who work at fast food establishments. Lovely double entendre, and adhering to subject. 2 pts)Fake ass nigga think he the king, Bitch step into my burger ring (reference to Burger King, a hamburger establishment. 1pt)
I’ll eat you like a burger fiend, Chalk you like you KFC (as anyone with a hamburger preference would do to a chicken eatery 1 pt) if my preference Mickey D’s
Meat and ketchup only please, when you dressed for Teedy Bees ( a reference to our mutual friend, and dj, Terrence whose nickname is Teedy Bees. He only ate his hamburgers dressed with Ketchup and pickles at the time, as you can see from the video he appreciated the reference. 1 pt)And he don’t want no mayonnaise G, so keep your wiener in your jeans and I’ll keep my whopper BVD’d (triple combination powerpunch here. M.C. Gimp relates mayonnaise to a man’s semen and uses the phallic symbol of a wiener to represent Jared’s man meat which is obviously not a hamburger, but a processed facsimile of real meat. Which in this case would be a whopper since that is…A. Bigger than a regular wiener, B. A hamburger which again is the subject and C. Gimp letting him know not to write a check his ass can’t cash by getting in a big dick contest with the wrong nigga. 3 pts + bonus point for triple combo=4pts)
For you shoot your load to quick and leave Shaneika feeling slick and get yo slack took by my nigga B Rick, big ups to my nigga quick and big chalk to this big mac bitch, yo mac attack aint doing shit (WOW!!!! So much depth here, where do I begin? 1 point each for every friend reference in here. That would be SHaneika, B-Rick-Brenton, Quick-Nick and Jared-Mac: his mac attack, i.e. he being named McKendall would necessarily have a Mac attack, which again does what? Serves as a double entendre for our subject of hamburger 5pt combo. 2 bonus points for simultaneously drawing B-Rick into the line of fire who was the resident expert and only previously skilled battle rapper. Not too distantly past from this time Brenton had a crush on Jared’s girlfriend Shaneika who obviously did not requite his love. The mere mention of B-Rick’s love for Jared’s girlfriend is intentional comedy and therefore serves to attack 2 parties at once. 7 pt lyric so we might as well just round up to 10!)
Step to me? Want me to serve ya? I’m open 24 hours like Whataburger! (1 pt)
Stepped up talking that shit first to me? Bitch I graduated from Bovine University! (This Simpsons reference might have slipped past you. There was an episode when Lisa gave up meat. And the meat council came to Springfield elementary to encourage kids to eat meat. They suggested that Cows going to Bovine university would go on to a better stage of life, when it was in fact a meat factory. At the end of the instructional video hosted by Troy McClure, Ralph Wiggum stands and attests proudly to the class “When I grow up I want to go to Bovine University” This is funny because not only does he not understand it’s a meat market, even if he did think it was a university for cows to get higher education why would he want so proudly to go there? Any Ralph Wiggum incorporation, due to the sheer brilliance of his character on the Simpsons is an automatic 3 pointer. So to connect Bovine university a meat market with this battle rap is even more genius than Wiggum himself. He’s telling you in the vain of hamburger that you don’t want to step to him because he went to college for battle rapping about hamburgers!! How does he come up with this? 5 points)Earned the degree Royale with cheese (1pt for Pulp Fiction reference) and all you got was a PHD…Penis sucking homo disease (2 point for the running education sub reference and 3 points for the strong finish because Jared wets a lot of cock with his mouth. 6 pts)Total= 32

The Challenged: J-Bo
5 point automatic deduction for asking for a different beat. 5 point deduction for rewriting his rhymes after M.C. Gimp had already delivered his rhymes. M.C. Gimp delivered his rhymes on point, in a timely fashion to the beat assigned. If he don’t get to choose his beat or rewrite his rhymes after he hears J-Bo’s then why should fat neck get to? -10 before he even starts that whack shit.
Gian give me felatio, in the circle…you’s a ho, boy you have no flow, my shit you will eat. Like Stevie fucking wonder knocks you off yo feet. (what???) Oh wait, shit, what’s wrong? Oh I just started this song. Then again I’m feeling hungry (J-Bo is still yet to land a scoring blow, nor has he made any mentioned of the assigned topic of hamburger. He’s like a boxer who just dances around the ring for a whole round hoping not to lose any points with his whack ass rhyme.)
Then again I’m feeling hungry blah blah blah some indiscernible words, and yo I’m feeling like a burger, make mine a double please (finally the topic at hand) and yo…………….on mine……………….I need some extra cheese, for all you bitch ass niggas…………….drop to your knees (1 pt and a loud yawn) Oh wait, oh wait…. back to this here. Um let’s get started…fuck this nigga, fuck this nigga, fuck this nigga, fuck this nigga. (the repetition works for me and J-Bo scores another point. But wait….is that M.C. Gimp taunting J-Bo with his own whack ass rhyme? 1 more pt for M.C. Gimp)Barbecue sauce, like the love at Otto’s, Man Gian Ride out, Bitch you’s a ho (nice reference to the BBQ restaurant we had eaten at earlier that day mixed in with a mediocre chalk of M.C. Gimp 2 pts)
Now that I done said that, back to the burger, I mentioned sauce and cheese, now it’s going further. Meat and Keiser bun, my meat not well done, I like a little pink, like twat it’s so sweet(none of this is chalking M.C. Gimp, just randomly trying to fulfill the requirements of the hamburger topic. 1 pt for mentioning twat and pink hamburger meat and 2 point deduction for wasting time because the reference has no place in this particular battle rap) The burger needs a pickle, Oh yeah Gimp, suck mine! (his most clever line so far. Well give him 2 pts) Cause I’ma rhyme, and rhyme, and rhyme all night. Oh yeah, burger sounds kinda tight, getting fries on the side, Yo that shit would be tight…now…yo that’s it for my meal, it’s time…to bring….the motherfucking real! ( ¾ of the way through the song and you just deciding now to bring the real? Bad business.)
Ol’ holey leg nigga, my caps you must peel. in through the front, out through the back. Bitch all your hoes come from the sugar shack. (finally a decent combo from Jared. This was about 4 weeks after M.C. Gimp got shot so the reference to the hole in his leg is a nice touch in combination with the Sugar Shack which was the strip club at the time known for having the second rate strippers as opposed to the preferred Roxbury. Nice 3 pt combo but it might be too late in the fight to start making connecting punches.)
Roxbury nigga, that’s where I’m from. Lil boy out the door, cause with you I’m done, nigga…..This aint Fantasia and that ho, motherfucker, Michael Franks can’t save ya (From the crowd’s reaction this appeared to be J-Bo’s best combination but it was actually just a really big swing that never connects. First of all Fantasia is a Disney cartoon or a singer from American Idol which did not exist at the time. In no way does this have anything to do with Michael Franks, or for that matter Hamburgers. A Michael Franks reference used against Gimp because of his appreciation for the man’s music was always something the group would tease him about although he wore his man love for MF as a badge of pride. So the attempt is worthy of a 2 point blow but not the 7 or 8 point blow the crowd noise might seem to indicate. )
Cause lil bit…I’m yo maker. (1 pt) I’ll hop off this bike and kick you like the undertaker. Cause you as a man is motherfucking absurd, so beyatch make like a nerd, and study this DICK! (3 pts for a strong finish. “Make like a nerd and study this dick” was a running gag for the Houston trip and therefore appropriately applicable. )-12pts + 14 pts=2 pts
M.C. Gimp bonus point = 33

So the final tally is M.C. Gimp wins 33 to 2 and is therefore honored as supreme to J-Bo for battlerap supremacy!!! And here he is 8 years later, celebrating the vanquishing of his foe the same as Bill the Butcher in Gangs of New York. I’d like to thank the fans who supported me from day one….No autographs please!

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