Accountability

I usually don’t talk about my plans. Not just on here but really I don’t talk too much to anyone about them. Maybe one friend or two that I feel comfortable saying things with because I know they know me well enough. But in general, I made a conscious decision a long time ago not to talk about the conditional. I know how flaky of a person I can be, and I hate the idea of talking a big game then not living up to it. I have this skewed concept of integrity where it’s ok not to do things I should do as long as I don’t promise out loud that I will. I don’t feel like I’m a quitter. But I am wishy-washy and a lot of time my priorities change cause I can’t keep my focus for too long at a time. There’s always so much going on I want to do and I go through these phases where one thing takes precedence one month then falls to the backburner the next. That being said there are some goals I set for myself I’ve been a little comfortable talking about and some I haven’t really spoken on at all. The time is drawing nearer to execute or begin these goals. So here is my own check and balance on myself. Once I’ve put this out there there’s no taking it back, so I guess this is my way of promising myself I’ll stick with it and make these things happen. I always use the word accountability when I’m coaching my kids. I guess it’s high time I applied it.

GOALS FOR 2008

1. I intend to finish my first novel before my 30th birhtday

I think this is the most important one for me so I’ll list it first. Initially when I set this goal for myself I wanted to have it published by that time but I know that’s unreasonable cause I really don’t have control of that kind of thing. But it’s well within my control to have a finished version of this by my May 20th deadline. My problem is that I can never stay focused with my writing. Even now in my head I have about 10 other writing projects I feel like starting. I feel like the black middle class and even upper middle class is so underrepresented and they need my voice. I want to write a series of short stories about a black superheroine. I want to write my novel I had started working on “The Liberation of Leonard” which is stored away in my unaccesible hard drive on my broken computer. And I really want to write a Spoken Word movie in the same vein as “Love Jones.” I need to go back and revise some old scripts which I feel like could be written better now that I have more experience. I want to write a short story about sex from a woman’s perspective. Shit, the list goes on. I can never just sit down and say to myself get all the other stuff out of your head. But I also feel like once I accomplish this goal it will help everything else fall into line. Of course I felt that way when I completed my first short story and my first screenplay and here I am still struggling with writer’s overload. But anyway, too bad too sad for all of that cause now that I’ve said it I gotta finish up. I think I’m about 1/3 finished or so but I still got a long way to go!

2. I will complete a full length CD and DVD of my spoken word

This one is actually probably the easiest of all the goals. I feel like if I had 500 dollars and two weeks this one could be finished at any time. That being said I’ve felt this way since about July. But it’s not so untrue. I already have all the poetry composed and the beats that go with it. It’s just a matter of freshening up on the spit of it and getting in a stuido. As far as the videos I just would need a little bit of help and I would be wrapped in not too long at all because the concepts for the remaining videos are still fresh in my head. The problem I came across with this was that at the end of the summer when I was broke and struggling I was working really hard at putting the CD together. I basically recorded a reasonable version of a product I like in my room using some Maguyver like recording techniques and improvisation. But I quickly grew weary of my own work because I felt like I was doing it for the wrong reasons. Having a spoken word cd and a dvd of self-produced videos was never anything I longed for in my youth so these goals were pretty fresh to me. When I initially thought of doing it it was just because I thought it would be pretty cool to have my own CD and make it sound like I wanted to sound. But then I was actually offered a distribution and management deal, which even though this was a pretty sleeazy dude who probably wanted to make me a penniless recording artist, and it made me think of the marketability I might have on more than just a local level if I could make some things happen. So with this adjustment in goals I ended up putting all of this hard work into a project that became more about me making money than me making something I would want to represent me. Which isn’t to say that the integrity of the work suffered at all because the creative side of it was done. But I found myself burned out becoming frustrated having to do all the work for myself and not being able to work at the pace I wanted to. So when I was finally finished with the demo version of my CD I didn’t even want to listen to it. But I think I’m far enough removed from it now, and I’ve gotten financially stable enough to where It’s not going to be a hustle when I finish but exactly what I hoped it would be, which is an accurate auditory representation of me. I think this will end up being more of a summer/late spring goal. Probably try to get started on it right about the time I finish the novel.

3. Time to graduate

Although the Novel is the most important to me on a universal scale, I think this is the most important in the present. I’ve never been shy about my lack of motivation in school. In fact I’ve often bragged about how I managed to rid myself of the stigma I once felt of being an underachiever, because I never attained a degree. And to be honest I’m still not very interested in school. But I need to graduate. I realized this summer that I can’t be the coach my kids need me to be until that happens.

A. I’m not financially independent enough to do all the things for them I’d like. I’ve had to work odd jobs which take up a lot of time that I could be devoting to them. It’s a catch 22 kind of thing. In order to work a job where I’m required to work the hours I do, I’ve had to find supplemental jobs that can work around that. Which eats away at time I could be giving to them in other capacities besides school site coaching. Not too mention it would be nice to do things like buy them lunch which I just don’t always have the means to do cause the budget is thin as white people hair.

B. I’m not an ideal role model. The example I set right now is basically “You can get by” because more or less that’s what I’ve been doing for so long. Getting by instead of reaching my potential. I certainly don’t believe that college is the end all be all. But I also believe in taking advantage of your opportunities and there’s no reasonable excuse I can give my kids why I don’t have a degree. So who am I to try to instill values of working hard in school when I haven’t proven I will do so myself.

C. As of right now I’m unhirable for positions I might be needed for in the future. Our basketball coach is this great guy Hunter Higgins. He’s really sharp and knows his stuff and I’m learning a lot about coaching working with him with the high school kids. He’s a good hire and good for our program so it was definitely a blessing that he was available when the job came open. But the thing about Hunter is that he’s ambitious. And that’s not a bad thing, but Lusher is not the kind of school that can support what he wants to do with a basketball program. We share one Gym between about 6 basketball teams. And even though boys high school basketball gets priority, between practices, and games, added to the fact that our basketball world will get bigger the farther we go and try to maintain all these different teams, there just isn’t enough room. And the administration, which is modeling some of the academinc programs which don’t put as much stress on the atheletic programs, is not really a good fit for Hunter’s agenda. So I don’t count on him hanging around for too much longer. I think the class of Freshman he has now are going to be able to compete for a state championship their Junior and senior year and after that I can fully imagine Hunter giving some definite ultimatums that probably won’t be met. So when that time comes I need to be in a position where I can step in and assume that role so that all the work building the program doesn’t go to waste trying to bring in someone new with a different agenda.

Point is all the time I’ve spent living my carefree lifestyle, which believe me I don’t regret, is coming to an end now just as I new it someday would with the onset of new motivations sue to responsibilities I wasn’t expecting. I always thought it would be kids I shared DNA with that would motivate me to stop looking forward to playing cards all night so I could wake up on time to go to work. But as it turns out it’s a big ol’ bunch of other people’s kids who got me trying to do the impossible. I’ve never had a semester where I’ve completed more than 9 hours of coursework, either due to dropped classes, failed classes, or just not taking a lot of hours. Next Spring I’ll be attempting twice that because I know my motivations are fleeting and the only way I feel I can trust myself to do it is to get it done as soon as possible. So hopefully by the end of the Fall semester I’ll be finished with school and be able to take a position at the school where i can actually be there all day with them instead of for just a couple of hours in the evening.

I don’t think I can do it alone. So by telling the world I’ve taken on the burden of expectation. I hope I can find the perseverance and keep the motivation to stay on track with this because I’m trying to accomplish probably the three most important things of my life thus far in one little old calendar year. Hopefully, this time next year I’ll be writing a different blog about some shit I did instead of some stuff I wanna do.

Advertisements

4 responses to “Accountability

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s