This is the way I refered to her in past blogs. But now it’s time to apologize for it. I’m procrastinating as usual and I stumbled over an email that inspired this letter. Now that I’ve done this I’ve got about 3 more to get to. And I don’t know whether to laugh or cry about that.
I don’t think we’ve spoken in over a year. At least that’s what my most recent email from you would indicate. I was cleaning out my inbox and I saw something you had sent me. It escapes me at this time what it was but it was from May 2006. I tried to think to myself why it is that I had sworn you off again but it just would not come to me.
I did remember some things though. Whatever it is I had a problem with was probably due to the nature of what our relationship had become. A series of willful battles where both sides wanted no part of the blame for the demise of our relationship. A constant state of defensiveness between us. Well to be honest with you I can’t necessarily say I’m not still capable of that. But I do have the sense of awareness to realize that whatever the last thing I took issue with, which made me decide I didn’t want to speak to you probably had a lot more to do with my own sensibilities and me being hurt that you were not responsive to me in the way I wanted you to be than anything else. I’m sure in the year that’s passed since we’ve spoken it hasn’t been too difficult for you to handle but nevertheless I am not too proud to admit that it was an immature response
So then I went to my “Alana” folder and started reading all the old emails I had. I can’t put myself back in the frame of mind I had when I initially received them, but then again I wouldn’t want to. But it did bring back to me some moments that have passed. And it was interesting to me to read how much you actually fought for our relationship. To be reminded of the constant support for me even though looking back I realize exactly how shiftless I was during those years. Financially, spiritually and emotionally. That being said I know I gave you a hard time when we were together because I can remember some of those conversations where I relentlessly demanded answers I already knew I didn’t want to hear for questions I shouldn’t have asked.
I’ve been making a lot of changes for myself in the last couple of years. And slowly they’ve helped me get closer to a man I want to be…at least in practice anyway. I have humbled myself and grown well beyond my years maturity wise. And I’ve been proud of my growth but perhaps too proud without really making full amends for all my past indiscretions. I’ve bragged to myself and others about how good I’ve been to women in the sense that I look out for their best interest first, even if it’s someone I am not involved with. That is to say I keep all of my relationships with women on a level they can handle emotionally or not at all. And I feel like I’m doing well, but I guess even during this time I’ve not been a good man because I’ve perpetuated the belief (even if by the omission of not being honest about it) that I felt I had been the wronged in the past.
That being said I realized that a lot of the time I spent demanding your accountability for things it was because of my own insecurity 1.obviously for the reasons I felt I couldn’t be secure because of our history. 2. because of my own history and baggage and 3. because I cheated on you. Many years have passed and I don’t even know if you care at all, much less care of the extent, but sadly that is the case.
I lived in constant fear that my past would come back to haunt me. I cheated on Antoinette as well. And occasionally in egregious fashion.
I don’t suppose it matters but I’ll tell you anyway that in my own mind I somehow thought that cheating would make things easier for me to handle. I thought that it would be like a pre-emptive strike if I found out either of you had cheated and keep me from feeling vulnerable because I had invested myself. But all it really made me was more insecure because with it I began searching for truths that would make me miserable no matter the content. If you had cheated and validated me cheating it would still make me feel worse, conversely if I could find no evidence that you had cheated it would never be enough to satisfy the notion that you might have. Especially since I didn’t have any resistance when it came to getting away with it. If it is of any curiosity I am available for whatever inquisitions you have.
Alana, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for demanding from you what I knew I could and would not reciprocate. I’m sorry for the dishonorable way I treated you in the aftermath of our relationship by continuing the dishonesty but not at the behest of the grudge I still carried. And I’m sorry I wasn’t a better man during that time when you selflessly gave of your emotions.
I do feel like I’m on the right path now, but it struck me that I could not be truly righteous by continuing to begrudge you in spite of the fact I was not holding up my end of the bargain.
And once again, I can’t even say that I’m completely beyond my immaturity. I could feel the unresolved feelings I have inside for you as I re-read your emails. I know it’s within my capacity to feel slighted by you because you don’t feel the way about me I want you to. So knowing that I don’t even intend this email as the beginning of a correspondence. But I Owe a lot. And I know I can’t stop worrying if God will punish me for my sins as long as I’m not doing everything in my power to amend them.
At any rate you may or may not be interested to know that I have a job that I like coaching Football, Basketball, and Track on the middle and high school level at the school I went to for middle school. The writing is coming along very well. I Have gotten extra creative and have started directing videos and shorts of my own. I will be finished my first novel by this time next year, and I was recently offered a recording contract to do some Spoken Word albums which I turned down cause I feel I can get a better deal once I further establish myself. I am still negotiating with the company to work on a movie with them which I would script and co-direct. Saia just turned 21 and is in her last year at Tulane. My mom is retired and is helping start the charter schools back up in Orleans Parish. And my dad is Felipe, no more no less.
I appreciate you….