I feel like the Dharma Initiative is a project by the head television executives to see how long America will continue to watch a TV show without a plot. I just recently started watching season 2 on DVD. I don’t watch too much TV as it is, so I joined the LOST bandwagon pretty late. I was visiting Kibwe in Chicago around November of last year when he introduced me to the show. I watched the first pilot and I was sold. I quickly went through the entire first two discs of season one wanting more. On the way to the airport to leave Chicago I got off the train at a Blockbuster so I could stop and buy the first season so I could watch it on the plane. This is the kind of impact we’re talking here. I went through the first season in a couple of days, unfortunately season 2 had already started so all I could do was read about the episodes that had already passed to catch up. Then I just opted completely out of watching, deciding instead to wait for season 2 on DVD. The more I watch, the more I get frustrated and thus uninterested. I’ve never seen anything, TV, Book, Movie, etc in my life that only offers questions where there should be answers. I mean seriously, can anyone tell me what the plot of this show is? They continually give us reasons to believe that they are supposed to be there, or they aren’t, or both. Who the fuck knows? They have never answered any of my questions. Why are there animals on the island? Why does the island heal people? Why are they all connected? What the fuck is the dharma initiative? They’ve got through the third season to figure something out. But if they try to push me any further with this I will be getting LOST.
In other news, I tread upon some old waters today, and it was kind of cool, in a nostalgic kind of way. I’ve spent a lot of time lamenting the fact that I have severely limited options as far as dating is concerned for one reason or another. Sometimes it’s “I hate girls” sometimes it’s “The system is flawed” sometimes it’s “There are no choices” “I’m better off without it” etc. So many excuses I’ve found for not dating. It was quite interesting to me to find a new one, which is actually a pretty old one.
So there’s this girl Cana who I used to date a while back. I’ve talked about her once on this blog, maybe twice. I never really talked too much about her because her significance kind of took a backseat to the young lady she was directly in the shadow of. She was the first girl I dated after what was my most significant relationship. And as wonderful as Cana was there was always going to be a cap on our situation for no other reason than she couldn’t compare to what preceded her. As it turns out there were some other issues as well. She was kind of a downer because she had a hard life. There was certainly no shortage of love in her life, but she had the usual self-esteem problems as well as some physical ailments. And then there was an occasional outside influence which were usually the only things I would hear about when I talked to her one on one. There was always that sigh in her voice before she’d start telling me how the world was weighing down on her. And I was at a point where I was trying to escape bad feelings because I was often plagued by my own concerning my previous breakup. Then the other problem was I didn’t like her natural smell. She is a clean girl, bathes every night, deoderizes etc. She certainly doesn’t smell bad. But for me I have this certain animal attraction to some and then not to others. And there was something about the way she smelled that just kind of turned me off. Honestly it might have had a lot to do with the fact that Chanda’s natural smell was so pleasant to me. It may have been the bitter sting of my nostrils knowing which girl it wasn’t. But I never felt like I wanted to breathe her in. So for all these reasons we never exceeded dating. Which really wasn’t a problem for either of us. She too was fresh out of a very significant relationship. She too needed time and space but affection. It definitely worked well for both of us while it did. When we finally stopped seeing each other it had just sort of died out and we went our separate romantic ways. I fell out of that situation with nothing but the utmost respect and admiration for her. Cana is a beautiful girl, neutral or smiling. I mean a face like a fucking angel.
She’s amazingly caring. I’ve rarely met someone so nurturing. Her and her sister would come over and clean for us against our wishes. She’s so receptive and available. Our friends hung out with her and her sister quite frequently. Sometimes we would call them at 3 in the morning from Rome’s house and tell them we were coming to get them to go get donuts and hang out. They would pop up without hesitation to join us. Not cause they were smitten by us, like some girls who liked our style or our fancy words or confidence. But they were just genuinely good friends who were available to their friends and appreciated us as much as we appreciated them. Of all the women I’ve been with I’ve always felt and said that if I had to choose among them to be a wife or a mother for my child(ren) Cana was at least in the top 3. In the aftermath of our relationship I’ve always been concerned about her and whether or not she would be taken advantage of in other relationships. I often times thought of trying to date her again but she was always involved with someone, who usually I didn’t feel was up to par with her. So recently I was put back in contact with her after not talking to her since before Katrina. Last night I went to visit my friend Cook and his wife and baby in Baton Rouge since they are apparently allergic to New Orleans.
And as I was heading back home I get a call from Cana who lives in BR. So I decided to pay her a visit since I was already there. I got to her house and that face was as soft and sweet as I remembered it. I decided right then and there I wanted to start seeing her again. Long story short we hung out for awhile, watching TV, talking, etc. We ended up kissing a little bit. Then I left and headed back home for New Orleans. The next day she called me and told me that she wasn’t interested in me in that way. That wasn’t too much of a surprise. I could tell she felt kind of funny about it after so many years of us not being physical. But after I got off the phone with her I was left with a strange feeling that hadn’t been around in a while. I had gotten really good at managing situations and avoiding girls who I thought wouldn’t find interest in me. So I hadn’t put myself out on a limb in a situation I was unsure of and come away with negative results in a long time. And it was weird because in that moment I realized that there was even more at play then my lack of interest. I could very well have to deal with a girl lacking interest in me. Scary!