It reads better to read this one first

In my head this thought was born from the former but I don’t want my infectious humbug which I have immunized myself to, to hurt anyone else’s delicate sensibilities. After seeing the scene I describe in the blog to follow, I realized that 2006, in about one week if I can maintain, will be the first year in over a decade I managed to make it through the whole year without being sad at any point. There were points where I might have missed someone, been disappointed, angry, lonely, bored, etc. Not once was I sad. I attribute this, in no small part, to the lack of a significant female in my life. I have been riding the wave of self-sufficiency since getting out of my last co-dependence and haven’t looked back. Since my first legitimate girlfriend in my senior year in high school I have spent some part of every year with a significant presence of a woman in my life. 96 and 97 were Tahnika, Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting98 Chanda, whom I was still saddened by the loss of reaching into 2003 and still dream about on occasion to this day. 01-02 was Antoinette, 02-03 was the NHEG (nappy headed ex girlfriend) Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting 04 was Jacquae and Antoinette and the NHEG and probably some Chanda mixed in for good measure. And 05 was chock full of lyn sadness. Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting That isn’t to say there weren’t other things that made me sad as well in those years. But the girls definitely did their part. Whether it was sadness about a failing relationship, mistrust, me failing them, their sadness which made me sad, or whatever, there was never a full year where I was just living my life happily with no interference. Until 2006. And I’m not trying to convince myself when I say it’s been a lovely experience. 2006 has certainly been my most productive year without question. But it’s also been the year where I’ve made the most out of the least. I’ve had my least dealings with women. My least contact with close friends. Probably my least money. But I’ve been my emotional healthiest. I’ve kept my perspective very well in place. I haven’t gotten beside myself confusing lonliness or boredom with wanting a relationship. I’ve been the sharpest I’ve ever been about spotting early on the things that would make me now want something significant from someone. And I have been rewarded because everyday I wake up there is no absence in my life. There is no phone call to avoid or explanation I feel is warranted or deserved. There is nothing in my romantic world that I don’t want to be there which I can’t say for when I’m in love. I honestly think the reason I am enjoying this so much is because I know it’s the right thing to do. Romantic love for me is very sneaky. It creeps up on me and I’m there before I have time to think better of it. There’s rarely time between the time I meet someone and the time I develop that bond with them I have to chase because they are on the level of someone I want to know in that way. And in the past this has been an issue because I would never learn enough in my time alone to prepare me for the time I would be about to share. I have to make sure I have the energy to endure the impending heartache that will come the next time I’m in a relationship. I know that sounds so pessimistic. But it’s the truth. I know better than to long for fairytales. Every romantic relationship, even the best functioning one, has some level of heartache. That’s an indisputable fact. I’m not naïve enough to say I’ll never be in a significant relationship again just because I’m saying right now that I don’t want one. But unlike most single people I am able to bask in the aloneness and not long for the day the relationship returns since I can appreciate how much I had longed for the day when I would again be single the last time I was in a relationship. I’m also hoping that I’m learning as much stuff and developing as much understanding as I believe I am. I feel like with my time to myself I’m becoming more accepting of things that have been detrimental to my relationships in the past. I’ll like a girl or something to that effect, and in my head our relationship will run it’s course, almost like a virtual relationship, and I’ll spot the things I will grow contemptuous of, and I won’t be hopeful or wishful about the girl and therefore she won’t have the chance to disappoint me. And eventually I will get to the point I want where I can be as callous about things that probably aren’t as big a deal as I believe them to be when I am operating under the perspective of the man in the relationship. Please save your prayers, I promise I am doing so good all by myself.


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