Repost from 12/09/04

So it’s interesting because reading this now it seems that I have come full circle following my relationship with lyn. And I was having a conversation very recently about relationships where I was basically expressing these same sentiments. Incidentaly, in my first post of this in my t.r.i.g.l. (the randomness in Gian’s Life) section I mentioned that George Bush did not value the lives of America’s individual citizens (especially black people) before Kanye made it cool. I’m proud that I have dated proof of that so I can reasonably claim he came across my blog and stole that from me.

Ok. So don’t think I’m whinning or anything cause I’m not. I hardly ever complain about anything because I am the most blessed individual to walk the face of the earth. I was thinking about a conversation me and my new friend Janelle had a couple of weeks ago. I have absolutely no idea what we may have been talking about I just vaguely remember the one thing that stuck with me. She said something to the effect of She doesn’t believe young adults should be depressed. Or maybe it was that she didn’t believe depression really should exist, that it was just an excuse. I’m sure I’ll hear about this. I’m not even trying to quote her because I have no idea what the statement actually was. But I did get her point when she said it. I understood that what she means is that people use depression as a fallback and they need to work through it themselves. And I somewhat agree with that statement in a lot of ways. I think that the cure for depression, the only one that works, is internal. And most people who claim to be depressed just want an excuse or some sympathy. However, Her not suffering from depression, I don’t think she gave it it’s proper due. It’s hard for people who only associate depression as a feeling of great sadness and immobility to understand. I don’t like to hide things, and I don’t like people to feel like I’m hiding things but it wasn’t appropriate to the conversation, otherwise I would have told her that I suffer from depression. A little known fact about me. What the layman don’t understand is that depression is a disease in the same way alcoholism is a disease. It can be acquired or inherited. Once you are depressed you are always depressed. Just because you go a long period of time without great sadness doesn’t mean you’ve gotten over it just the same as if you go 100 years without a drink it only takes one to be back on the horse. And if you submit to it, it will break you. Depression is a chemical imbalance, and that’s exactly what it brings about…imbalance. I have not been significantly (by significant I mean more than 2 days straight) sad in a very long time. But that’s cause I’ve learned to moderately control my disease. I inherited it from my mother’s side. I’m sure everyone on her side of the family is depressed. I believe I share my particular case with my cousin. Our symptoms are insomnia, low motivation, extreme highs followed by extreme lows and vice versa etc. The most important of these and the one that I believe all inflicted by this share is the extreme highs and lows. Nothing knocks you further from a pedestal than to suddenly find yourself in the dumps after being on top of the world. Sometimes the change brought about is abrupt and inexplicable. But usually it is triggered by some outside force. It makes you irrational. The lows of depression hit harder than they hit for civillians. But the key is balance. You lose the ability to be even keel about things so you have to find a way to get back to your neutral state. So about the time when depression started to take it’s affect on me was when I was 15 or so. I was still young and naive and didn’t understand the world (as if I do now). Combined with the fact that I was an optomist by nature it made for a diffucult navigation through my teens. Amongst other things I assumed that people had the best intentions in mind, people were by nature rational beings who all acted logically, and if you were a good person things would just work out well for you. WRONG!! So it was then in that year that I began my transcendency into the being I am now. The most profound affect on me came from the opposite sex. I believed, in my naivete, that if you were a good person and you liked someone enough then they were bound to like you. A milder version of love conquers all I guess. I assumed everytime that a girl liked “the wrong guy” that it was just a fluke and all girls don’t go for the dogs. The nice guy sometimes does not finish last. I assumed that if my mind follows logical thought processes then why shouldn’t females? There were a lot of lows as you might have guessed having that state of mind. There was a lot of sacrafice involved in gaining my equillibrium, but the result of depression is far worse to deal with. So at the present momment I’m fairly pessimistic about relationships, I’m fairly certain I’ll never love someone in the same way I used to be able to. I don’t value love and ideals in the same way that I once did. And I feel like I am a much better, and more productive person because of it. My friend Monique tells me I sound like Charlie Brown when I talk about this and I’m sure sometimes I do. Sometimes I wish I could be the ignorantly blissful and forget everything I’ve taught myself in the effort to maintain balance, to remember what it was like to really hope a new girl was the prototype. To look forward to love and not look down to it. But it usually only lasts 15 minutes, and when I come back to earth I remember how much more fun it is to not have to be sad. To have rational thoughts and not be driven by impulses that would embarass more than myself. To sleep, eat, and be happy at my own whims and not on love’s schedule. I know I must sound terrible right now. But I couldn’t be happier. I’m still very optomistic about a lot of things. Love or the loss of love is not the Gian’s blog of human emotion (the end all be all). Anyway I must sound like I’m relapsing into depression right now, which is absolutely not the case. In fact I’ve kept myself cryogenically in a state of remission for years now. I’ll get back to more sheery topics and influential stories next time.


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