What’s Love got to do with it?

I guess most of us “love haters” can come across as being pretty bitter. But I want to make it known right now for the record that there is no bitterness in me at this moment. I have come to realize something the very important fact that love is not for everyone. Maybe I’d just been socialized to think otherwise or been around people that thought it was for too long. I wish I had learned this fact long ago. But just like any blessing I’m glad it’s here now. It’s been 6 years since I broke up with an ex in what was probably my most significant relationship to date as far as the way it has shaped me. Over the past six years I’ve had several significant relationships none of which ended with marriage or family, but almost all of which have ended up in fairly good terms. The other and most important thing that they had in common was that each of them left me feeling empty and emotionally needy. And so with each ended relationship once I was able to get past the point of emotional attachment with that particular person I would fall into a practice of looking for someone to fill the void. But usually not the void left behind by them but left behind by the ex of six years ago. And this is in no way a discredit to the women I have dated since her but no one has been able to match the way she made me feel. This was by no fault of their own, because the fact is that after her I was no longer the same person and probably not able to see or think of anyone with as high of regard as I thought of the “EX6” Of course no one could match the lofty bar she set so that often left me feeling discouraged and unsatisfied. Perhaps, maybe even a bit bitter sometimes that I had missed my chance with perfection. Then two things happened. I was dating Monique, the only which of those I “seriously” dated in the time since that I am no longer on good terms with. Me and Mo had very good rapport and I still feel like she probably understood me better than anyone else I dated in that time. We would often have very in-depth conversations about me because I had never met someone so genuinely intrigued by me. And I was all to eager to participate instead of the usual situation where I asked all the questions. I would explain to her how disenfranchised I had become by love. I would talk to her about “EX6” and tell her that no girl could hold a candle to her and how it was even pointless trying to match that. I would tell her about how dishonest the women since had been with me. About how I didn’t feel like I could truly trust a woman. I talked to her about how I was just much better off alone. And I don’t believe my tone ever took on brokenheartedness or bitterness just matter of fact. But she continued to counter-argue to me that I should allow love in. She would say that the real problem was that I just refused to open myself up to love and that’s why love wouldn’t work for me. Now having had been with these women who were dishonest or no good for me I didn’t feel that could be the case. Certainly me investing deeper into these relationships where I felt I was betrayed by women’s lies and bad intentions would not have been a good thing. So her arguments usually fell on deaf ears. And then I took time out to consider my friend Leonard and his relationship with his wife. Leonard is a man I have always admired and emulated. And his relationship with his wife is a thing to be emulated for those wishing to get to that level. So I decided maybe there was some truth in Mo’s words. Maybe I did need to invest more. Maybe if I did more sharing and less doubting that positive energy would make for a good relationship. And so that’s what I did. I made it my business to be as devoted to my relationship as I could and invest as much as I had the next time I fell in love. Now needless to say, because of previous blogs, that labor did not bear fruit. But now having moved away from that relationship I have realized that Mo was still right. Because it took me fully investing to see that it was not in fact love that was the culprit, but me. Love is not deceptive. It is what it is and it tells you no different. When you take on love with the short-sightedness of thinking this time will be different and you yourself are no different then you will have the same results. So then this emptiness I’ve had has now been satisfied with the realization that I am right to be happier by myself. I am a more productive, healthier individual but not because Love is bad, just because I don’t need it. I was fooled by my healthy self image into thinking that loving myself was all about confidence. But it’s much deeper than that. It’s also about knowing who you are and what’s best for you. And for me it’s not being in love. And I’m not sad or bitter about that. I haven’t felt this happy in a long time now knowing that. I don’t want to be back with “EX6” I don’t want to share emotional dependence with someone. I want to see what’s out there for Gian, and I can only do it alone. My unfair expectations of love limited me in being able to truly appreciate my relationships with my significant others. It was not that they were deceptive to me. They were just in love the same as me and there are things that love does regardless of race gender or religion. It’s not that these women paled in comparison to “EX6” it’s just that they weren’t her. And it was unfair of me to hold them accountable for that because I was in love. Oddly enough I’ve arrived at relatively the same conclusion but for a different reason and that alone makes the difference between the thirst for knowledge and understanding.

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10 responses to “What’s Love got to do with it?

  1. Hmm, interesting post. I’d never thought that being in love wasn’t for everyone. Do you think that being in love with the “right” person would make a difference might change your perspective?

  2. Someone who believes in the same boundaries to a relationship, i.e. how open/closed it should be. Someone openminded enough to want to learn what makes you smile. Someone with similar religious convictions, if any. Someone with whom you share a similar perspective on life and priorities. Someone whose humor you can appreciate. Someone with at least your level of confidence and ambition. Someone who tries to know you and understand you. Someone whose faults you can live with. Someone who complements you. Someone you’re proud to bring around your friends and family. Someone who loves to make you smile.Someone who can say all of the above about you.Someone who feels as deeply about you as you feel about her at any given time.Of course, that’s just my opinion.What do you think?

  3. awww man love can be for anyone! you’ll find your love…maybe you just have to look at the type of girls you’re going for, or reflect on your self, is it something about you? there’s someone for everyone….and i seen the comment on my blog from some weeks back, when did you go to Chicago?

  4. I actually define the “right” person as someone you dont have to work at being in love with. You kind of just look up one day amd you are, and your fine with it.

  5. Hey gian, I haven’t swung by in a while, just thought I’d say hello and that you were missed. :)Also, if it is the desire of your heart to truly be with “that other half”, believe me, it will happen and most likely when you least expect it to. Sounds cliche, but so true.Love you, God bless! *xoxo*

  6. love is what remains when the execution of selfishness has run its course. it is that (un)comfortable place you find yourself not fully knowing how or why you got there. and the “right person” is the one right there with you. it persists…and manifests itself pushing through the barbed wires of reality.

  7. I think is one of your most provoking and genuinely truthful posts so far. I think you’ve come to a very important realization. I believe we’ve been conditioned to believe that we should seek, desire, need and be “in love” with someone and our lives are not complete unless we are…I think it’s been instilled in our psyche that love is something we must have in order to fully earn to label of “HAPPY” in life – but the fact is we do not have to subscribe to other people’s reality – we can choose our own truth and accept the path that truly gives us peace. Being “in love” is a beautiful thing but it is not a necessity to be happy in this life. Nor is it something you should waste a lot of time seeking, waiting for or struggling to understand. I’d assume that what you’ve realized about love has lifted an enormous weight off of your shoulders and that is something you shouldn’t have to explain or apologize for. Of course people will say “just wait til you meet the right person” or “love will come again” but I don’t think that is what you should focus on. I think you should focus on what you’ve learned about yourself and run with it. If love comes again then so be it – but until then…just do you. It’s not something to be sad about or something that should evoke sympathy – I think it’s commendable because too people aren’t courageous enough to admit it or they are too afraid to accept it because they have been fed the fantasy of love for so long. Finding your own beliefs independent of the norm and being content with it is something that more people should do.

  8. Yan-gee! Remember that? It seems like another lifetime ago but it’s only been 7 or 8 years. Your post on love is very thought provoking. My marriage is a testament to the fact that love is real and it is available to everyone who truly knows what it is and how to deal with it. The problem is that we have been programed to look for the romanticized version of love, which is only one aspect of it. The person seeking the love that is shown on movies is seeking trouble because it’s just not real. It can begin with having someone make you feel like you’ve never felt before and needing that feeling to continue more than you need water. But after that, true love requires an investment of time, sacrifice, patience, determination, understanding, focus and patience (I know I said it twice). If one is unwilling to invest properly, one should not expect any returns – plain and simple. Too many people are out here going broke messing around with get rick quick schemes. If they would take the time to do a little research, find a quality investment opportunity and stick with it, even when it hits a few bumps, they would find a great return over the long run. Of course, not every one is willing to risk getting involved in the market. Those people are spared the ups and downs that are bound to come and they avoid the possibility of losing everything to a wolf in sheeps clothing (i.e. Enron or an undercover freak/gold-digger.) But they will never reap the benefits of investing wisely and enjoying the fruits of their labor. Love is beautiful. If ever again you want it, I pray you find it and keep it.

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