It seems that it has been two weeks since I posted anything. It wasn’t the reminders in my comments section that brought this to my attention. It was actually the girlfriend the other day who mentioned to me that I should be blogging, and preferably about her because she wanted me to write about her.
Very well then…
In one of my more recent posts talking about how scandalous girls are I mentioned that she had upset me but did not get into why. I wasn’t going to for the sake of our privacy. But at this moment her feelings are the least of my concerns. What happened was, she proved to me that my feelings about girls, in my neutral state of mind, have always been on target. That they will try to deceive you to protect their best interest. More or less she lied about making a phone call to an ex. Not much of a violation, especially since I don’t feel threatened by her relationship with this person. But The most disturbing things that I found out during this situation were that
A. She will hold out the truth til the bitter end if there was some wrongdoing on her part. I need empirical evidence for her to tell me the truth about something.
B. She would intentionally try to deceive me. And no matter how large the infraction she was well aware that that is the worst thing you can do to me.
c. That she was still behaving like she was single. Maintaining correspondences with past acquaintances, not telling them she had a boyfriend (which made me feel extra bad because here I am littering my blog with adulation to anyone in the world who wants to see and she doesn’t even acknowledge me to random dudes she’s IMing and text messaging.) Flirting with some and being flirted with by the other.
Well it was an arduous process but we managed to get through it. For days we lived through tension and rigorous interrogation on my part. She was pretty much forthcoming about all of the people in question. The ex she lied about was basically because she had changed her mind about calling him back after getting a message from him. At the time she got the message I asked her if she had intended to call him back. She said no. I told her very clearly “I don’t mind if you call him back. Just don’t tell me you’re not going to and then do it.” Apparently somewhere in there she changed her mind but was uncomfortable with telling me that, so she hid it instead. The guy she was flirting with we got past mostly because I just came to the realization that this is the person she had been all her life and so it’s not something you can break out of overnight. But I didn’t really see him as posing a threat so it wasn’t hard for me to move past it. The other individual that was flirting with her she said she had no interest in and he was just a friend. But we’ll get back to that. The main problems I had to get over were the realization that not only could she lie to me but when given the opportunity to be forthcoming about it she would stick to her story. How can you ever trust someone who won’t even admit to wrongdoing unless you show them video footage. Certainly you can’t rely on this person to come to you with their indiscretion. But through some perseverance and many, many assurances to me that she would never lie to me again we got beyond it and I felt like I could trust her. We started behaving more like a couple who realized that sharing and openness was necessary. We would sit there and text message people in front of each other. Not leave the room to have conversations. Just basically allow the other person in fully. Or so I thought. I was extremely forthcoming about a past occasion with a friend of mine where things had gone well past friendly. She asked me to minimize my correspondence with this friend and other female friends associated with her because it made her uncomfortable. I did because I had asked her to be more vocal about our relationship with the people she still corresponded with and she had been doing so. Mind you never, not once, did I ask her to forgo her correspondences with anyone. She ended up terminating one correspondence of her own doing. But the guy who she was just friends with continued to text, IM and call her. I never had a problem with it because she told me they were just friends. However each time he would call I would express to her that she should know better than to believe that this guy was in anyway interested in friendship from her. From the context of his text messages he was certainly open to more. SO when he would send something suggestive to her I would inquire about him. His messaging wasn’t so infrequent so I definitely had plenty of opportunities to ask and she had plenty of opportunities to tell me they were just friends. She told me he was just some guy who used to come hang around by her house but nothing had ever happened. Neither of them were interested in the other in that way. I never questioned the truth of this from her vantage point. I assumed that what she was telling me was true to the best of her knowledge and that she was just not paying attention to this dude trying to get with her.
So yesterday afternoon we’re lying in bed. She gets a text message but does not respond which leads me to believe it’s him. I don’t pay it much mind til I walk in her livingroom and on her computer window is an IM from him saying “I had a dream about you. No joke.” She follows me into the room after a few moments so I look at her as if to say “this guy isn’t trying to be friends.” I ask her to ask him what his dream was about. After a few text exchanges he comes back with “OOOOOOOOO! We were having sex.”
What the fuck
Then almost immediately following is another text “Can I come over please? I need you!”
WHAT THE FUCK!!!
So I ask her again, for the twentieth time. “You sure nothing ever happened with you and this guy?” and she’s like no. So I’m like “This is the first time he’s talked to you like this?” she says yes. So I take the phone from her and respond myself. At this point she gets up and walks out of the room. Well over the course of our conversation, him under the impression that I was her, I managed to uncover some details that don’t have anything to do with being just friends. Among other things they kissed, he played with her breasts, she used to like him, and they almost had sex but HE didn’t want to. Mind you according to her you can count the number of sex partners that she’s had on one hand (of course who knows if anything she’s said to me is the truth at this point) So if she was willing to open herself up to him for a sexual relationship than that makes him a helluva a lot more significant than just friends.
So that’s where I am now. Once again my trust has been violated. Our relationship is just ruined. How can I ever believe anything she ever says to me again? She had a perfect opportunity to tell me about this guy the first time she lied to me. She was very forthcoming about everyone else I asked about but in our most crucial moment…in the moment she expressed the most sorrow for hurting me…in the moment she swore with her heart and soul that she would do whatever to regain my trust and she would never lie to me…in that very moment she lied. Did she lie because she knew I’d be uncomfortable with this guy and she wasn’t ready to give him up? Did she lie because she didn’t know how to explain the situation to me or him? Who fucking knows? But I do know that everytime since that point when she swore she wouldn’t lie to me again, that that was a lie. Everytime his name came up and the words just friends came out her mouth that was a lie. Sitting there with her holding her hand vowing to each other what we would do to make our relationship stronger she told me she wouldn’t lie to me all the while knowing that she was currently lying. How can I possibly believe anything she ever says to me again after that. I wish I weren’t in love. I wish I had the strength to make the good decision and never say another word to her lying ass in my life.
grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change
COURAGE to change the things I can
and WISDOM to know the difference.