Here, my Dear

It seems that it has been two weeks since I posted anything. It wasn’t the reminders in my comments section that brought this to my attention. It was actually the girlfriend the other day who mentioned to me that I should be blogging, and preferably about her because she wanted me to write about her.

Very well then…

In one of my more recent posts talking about how scandalous girls are I mentioned that she had upset me but did not get into why. I wasn’t going to for the sake of our privacy. But at this moment her feelings are the least of my concerns. What happened was, she proved to me that my feelings about girls, in my neutral state of mind, have always been on target. That they will try to deceive you to protect their best interest. More or less she lied about making a phone call to an ex. Not much of a violation, especially since I don’t feel threatened by her relationship with this person. But The most disturbing things that I found out during this situation were that

A. She will hold out the truth til the bitter end if there was some wrongdoing on her part. I need empirical evidence for her to tell me the truth about something.
B. She would intentionally try to deceive me. And no matter how large the infraction she was well aware that that is the worst thing you can do to me.
c. That she was still behaving like she was single. Maintaining correspondences with past acquaintances, not telling them she had a boyfriend (which made me feel extra bad because here I am littering my blog with adulation to anyone in the world who wants to see and she doesn’t even acknowledge me to random dudes she’s IMing and text messaging.) Flirting with some and being flirted with by the other.

Well it was an arduous process but we managed to get through it. For days we lived through tension and rigorous interrogation on my part. She was pretty much forthcoming about all of the people in question. The ex she lied about was basically because she had changed her mind about calling him back after getting a message from him. At the time she got the message I asked her if she had intended to call him back. She said no. I told her very clearly “I don’t mind if you call him back. Just don’t tell me you’re not going to and then do it.” Apparently somewhere in there she changed her mind but was uncomfortable with telling me that, so she hid it instead. The guy she was flirting with we got past mostly because I just came to the realization that this is the person she had been all her life and so it’s not something you can break out of overnight. But I didn’t really see him as posing a threat so it wasn’t hard for me to move past it. The other individual that was flirting with her she said she had no interest in and he was just a friend. But we’ll get back to that. The main problems I had to get over were the realization that not only could she lie to me but when given the opportunity to be forthcoming about it she would stick to her story. How can you ever trust someone who won’t even admit to wrongdoing unless you show them video footage. Certainly you can’t rely on this person to come to you with their indiscretion. But through some perseverance and many, many assurances to me that she would never lie to me again we got beyond it and I felt like I could trust her. We started behaving more like a couple who realized that sharing and openness was necessary. We would sit there and text message people in front of each other. Not leave the room to have conversations. Just basically allow the other person in fully. Or so I thought. I was extremely forthcoming about a past occasion with a friend of mine where things had gone well past friendly. She asked me to minimize my correspondence with this friend and other female friends associated with her because it made her uncomfortable. I did because I had asked her to be more vocal about our relationship with the people she still corresponded with and she had been doing so. Mind you never, not once, did I ask her to forgo her correspondences with anyone. She ended up terminating one correspondence of her own doing. But the guy who she was just friends with continued to text, IM and call her. I never had a problem with it because she told me they were just friends. However each time he would call I would express to her that she should know better than to believe that this guy was in anyway interested in friendship from her. From the context of his text messages he was certainly open to more. SO when he would send something suggestive to her I would inquire about him. His messaging wasn’t so infrequent so I definitely had plenty of opportunities to ask and she had plenty of opportunities to tell me they were just friends. She told me he was just some guy who used to come hang around by her house but nothing had ever happened. Neither of them were interested in the other in that way. I never questioned the truth of this from her vantage point. I assumed that what she was telling me was true to the best of her knowledge and that she was just not paying attention to this dude trying to get with her.

So yesterday afternoon we’re lying in bed. She gets a text message but does not respond which leads me to believe it’s him. I don’t pay it much mind til I walk in her livingroom and on her computer window is an IM from him saying “I had a dream about you. No joke.” She follows me into the room after a few moments so I look at her as if to say “this guy isn’t trying to be friends.” I ask her to ask him what his dream was about. After a few text exchanges he comes back with “OOOOOOOOO! We were having sex.”

What the fuck

Then almost immediately following is another text “Can I come over please? I need you!”


So I ask her again, for the twentieth time. “You sure nothing ever happened with you and this guy?” and she’s like no. So I’m like “This is the first time he’s talked to you like this?” she says yes. So I take the phone from her and respond myself. At this point she gets up and walks out of the room. Well over the course of our conversation, him under the impression that I was her, I managed to uncover some details that don’t have anything to do with being just friends. Among other things they kissed, he played with her breasts, she used to like him, and they almost had sex but HE didn’t want to. Mind you according to her you can count the number of sex partners that she’s had on one hand (of course who knows if anything she’s said to me is the truth at this point) So if she was willing to open herself up to him for a sexual relationship than that makes him a helluva a lot more significant than just friends.

So that’s where I am now. Once again my trust has been violated. Our relationship is just ruined. How can I ever believe anything she ever says to me again? She had a perfect opportunity to tell me about this guy the first time she lied to me. She was very forthcoming about everyone else I asked about but in our most crucial moment…in the moment she expressed the most sorrow for hurting me…in the moment she swore with her heart and soul that she would do whatever to regain my trust and she would never lie to me…in that very moment she lied. Did she lie because she knew I’d be uncomfortable with this guy and she wasn’t ready to give him up? Did she lie because she didn’t know how to explain the situation to me or him? Who fucking knows? But I do know that everytime since that point when she swore she wouldn’t lie to me again, that that was a lie. Everytime his name came up and the words just friends came out her mouth that was a lie. Sitting there with her holding her hand vowing to each other what we would do to make our relationship stronger she told me she wouldn’t lie to me all the while knowing that she was currently lying. How can I possibly believe anything she ever says to me again after that. I wish I weren’t in love. I wish I had the strength to make the good decision and never say another word to her lying ass in my life.

grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change
COURAGE to change the things I can
and WISDOM to know the difference.


41 responses to “Here, my Dear

  1. Dude, it might be time to take a breather, step back a little and reevaluate some things. Not cutting the sista off completely, just some time apart. The final 2 sentences of your post definitely demonstrated your deep love for her, and the pain involved in some of the things you found out. Sometimes, in a funny kind of way, that step back has a way of making things fall back together in place the way that it should. Good luck man.

  2. G. I’m very sorry to hear the bad news. I have been on both sides of that coin, and both suck. You deserve better…Please find the room in your heart to forgive her, but also please understand that your relationship has changed, and trying to get back to the point that you fell in love with her, may never occur b/c the circumstances which surround the unconfotable place that the both of you were happy in have ripped. She is young, and may not have the deep emotional sense that we all develop as we get into our 20’s and advance to 30. Her mistake is common at her age, and she too will become sensitive to dishonesty, as we all have (or at least, those of us who have learned the value of it over our short lives so far)…whatever her calculated intentions were to deseive you and cause you this hurt, there is no reason that you should associate her, or anybody elses dishonesty, with all women. Love makes us do some really stupid shit. Everything we said we would never do, is done in the name of love. I beleive she loves you, but she can’t love you as much as she says. She’s held back, unlike yourself…which you gave up a lot, all in the name of love. But ‘everybody plays the fool’…and that’s just part of the game and the game is life. You will heal, as you have before…And you have learned from this, and you will readjust and regroup. Time will pass, and this will all be but a memory. As always, you are in my thoughts.Lovingly Fisty,J-Mo

  3. honestly Gian, you should chalk. I dont know you, people have mentioned your name on here but it sounds like you trusted her to be truthful to you and she betrayed you like William Wallace’s boy. We all like somebody who obvious for no reason at all takes our feelings and shits on ’em. Give me a reason for forgiveness? I disagree w/J-Mo, she sounds like she’s done some shady things before. You gave her the oppurtunities to come clean on more than one occassion. I’m sure you’ve had friends that have been in your situation and you’ve told them what to do, do what you’ve told them. I believe trust is something that should given and she’s betrayed the #1 thing , like you said how can you believe anything she says ever again. If you want to keep in touch just to fuck, then so be it. Being in love is great but it also clouds the vision. Chalk and dont look back

  4. Gian, I agree with Anonymous #1. You should chalk her. I only know you from your blog and you seem like a genuine guy and you deserve the best. Don’t settle for someone who’s not willing to give her whole self to you.

  5. thanks luke. you seem to be the only one who knows the meaning of the word forgiveness in this piece. anyway, j-mo was kinda on target when she attributed some of my behavior to my being so young. it’s true, but i’m learning and growing and that takes time. i love gian with all my heart and have made HUGE advances in changing to make this relationship work. the first time i lied to him, we got on our knees and prayed together. he asked the Lord for patience and thank goodness he was granted that. we’ll be fine because I feel that love conquers all and I know that ours will. gian’s my air, we complete each other, and we’ll live happily ever after! thanks!

  6. Wow @ KoKo’s comment. She does seem to be regretful @ Gian. You two actually prayed together. . . my boyfriend mentioned us trying something like that. . . I kinda pushed it to the wayside. . .maybe we should try it though. Prayer can never hurt. Anyway whatever happens between you two. . . consider it a lesson. And by all means learn something from it!

  7. I’m sorry you are so hurt. You seemed really in love and I don’t think you should let all of that go. If you can forgive her and come to a new place where both of you could be happy that would be great. We all make mistakes, not to minimize her deciet in ANY way, but I agree with j-mo, moving toward a new place that is different from where you came from since that is no longer a possiblity will probably bring both of you the most happiness if you can start to trust her again. I guess I don’t have much to say that hasn’t already been said. I just hope you make the best decision for you that will make you the happiest in the short and long run.

  8. I have never read anything in your blog before and identified with it so much. I’m really sorry for how you’re feeling right now. It’s hard when you’re repeatedly lied to, because even if you want to move forward, you can’t do that when you can’t trust that the other person will be honest with you. You should probably dump her right now, but then again, I should have dumped your friend immediately when he transgressed, and he should have dumped me immediately when I did the same. And if you were outside of the situation looking in, you would advise yourself to do the same. However, you are in the situation, and you have to know what’s important to you and what you are willing to deal with. That being said, I do hope that everything works out well between you two, if only because right now your friend is proposing that you come and live with him to get over this, and I don’t like the thought of the shenanigans that might take place were that to occur. 🙂

  9. Clarification! Forgivness is a positive move and will help YOU in your healing…however, I am NOT saying that you should forgive and get back together. If that is your decision, then I respect you for that, b/c you are a better person than me. The relationship b/t you should stay as friends, until you beleive in her enough that you can take it to that level again…but this takes lots of time…years even. There is no significant change to occur. Just her ‘word’…nothing has really changed. At least over time, she will have grown and truly appreciated her mistake and conciquence. If the love is true it can prevail through all of that. It certainly not what you want to hear, but its the truth…and choking someone out of your life, for making a mistake is a mistake in itself. If you really loved her, then you were friends first, and preserving that friendship is worth something, to the degree that you are able to. I would rather you not hate her. She’s acknowledged her mistake and is genuily apologetic. Let he who has not lied to someone they love cast the first stone…By forgiving her you have lost nothing that has not already been lost, but by çhaulkin’her completely, you have essentially lost a good friend….for those remaining anonymous…By nature I am a trusting person, I do not find it easy or pleasurable to lie. Though I am jilted when finding out someone has lied to me, I do not feel as though they have turned their back on me, per se. If they are apologetic then, I will accept their apologies, adjust my decisions around them based on my foregoing knowledge and expectations, and pray that they have realized that they are lucky and to be grateful for what of the relationship is left.

  10. That’s a tough thing to deal with, someone that just isn’t being honest. I pray that she changes those ways and tries to work out that problem that she seems to be having. I can see that you really care about her and puttin YOUR part in all this, so it’s only right that she does as well. Just don’t let her go to far or she will walk all over you. You do NOT need that from anyone….nomatter how much you love ’em. 🙂 I hope with all my heart that things work out. *xoxoxoxo*

  11. This whole relationship is bullshit. Chalk indeed. After all that lovey-dovey shit, now this? This girl has been playing you from the beginning. Her blog is all about convincing herself she loves you, and you just want that love. Cut the bullshit and either chalk it or stop writing about this nauseating relationship. It’s truly sickening.Koko, if Gian is your air, then maybe your ass needs an oxygen tank. What you did was triflin’. Stop trying to convince through blogging and stop lying.

  12. Gian, this chic is definitely not wifey material. All girls lie, but what we choose to lie about varies. K-dawg lies about other men, which leaves a huge, gaping whole in the relationship in which those dudes may enter and tempt her to cheat. How can a girl say she is so in love with you and be steadily lying about some insignificant niggas on the side? Somebody is SUSPECT! If you are her air, suffocate this broad because she’s not worthy! I know you are in love, but it is possible to fall out of love. And it’s not the end of the world to do so.

  13. You have got to let this one go. She’s making a fool out of you, taking advantage of the love she knows you have for her, in order to do whatever she pleases. You’ve obviously got a good heart; give it to some other girl who will appreciate it.-S

  14. BBD said never trust a big but and a smile… but they never said anything about not trusting big breasts. That young lady is very well endowed. I could put up with a little lying in my life if I was gonna get to play with sweater kittens like those. This relationship doesn’t sound like it’s gonna last, so just take advantage of the situation you find yourself in while you still can.

  15. Why are most of the “chalk her” comments anonymous? Haters, dare I say. Don’t take the advice of those unwilling to sign their name. It’s your relationship don’t let outsiders input matter. You know what you can deal with.Sorry this happened. I suggest ya’ll take time to build trust. You so you can trust her words and actions and her so she can trust that she can tell you things without fear.

  16. if i remember correctly, and i do, it is at these moments that advice means next to nothing. that being said, our sweet sweet fiona had a couple of things to say on the subject. so you struggle, as i struggle, as to which fiona to be….”How many times do I have to say To get away-get gone Flip your shit past another lasses Humble dwelling You got your game, made your shot, and you got away With a lot, but I’m not turned-on So put away that meat you’re selling Cuz I do know what’s good for me- And I’ve done what I could for you But you’re not benefiting, and yet I’m sitting Singing again, sing, sing again How can I deal with this, if he won’t get with this M’I gonna heal from this; he won’t admit to it Nothing to figure out; I gotta get him out It’s time the truth was out that he don’t give a Shit about me”or “at my own suggestion,I will ask no questionsWhile I do my thing in the backgroundBut all the time, all the timei’ll know, I’ll knowBaby-I can’t help you out, while she’s still aroundSo for the time being, I’m being patientAnd amidst this bitternessIf you’ll consider this-even if it dont make senseAll the time-give it time”

  17. First off I am sorry that things are rocky in your relationship. I know ~koko~ stated “love conquers all” but that is one of the WORST cliches in the book in my opinion. Love does not conquer all (if it did all people who loved one another would stay together), but if you truly love someone it can help you work through the struggle. I heard once that “love does not require honesty to work, but a relationship does”. I think that is very true. You can be in love with a person that constantly hurts you, but you really have to step back and think rationally (I know it’s hard when love is involved) if the relationship can sustain after you have been hurt. If you think it can then you should try. You just have to be honest with yourself. Good luck in figuring everything out.

  18. Wow. I’ve been through this myself. As much as I was in love with dude, I just couldn’t get over it. Everything he did made me suspicious and I couldn’t be comforted it seemed! After trying for several months, (we’d been together for a year and a half), I just figured I needed a new start. Maybe we’ll get back together someday b/c the love will always be there…but, maybe not. Maybe I’ll find someone who I can trust. He took the risk of losing me by lying. Once you are in love with someone it’s hard to just let go, so, only you can decide what will make both of you have peace of mind. Wishing you both the best! Blessings! Ms. Keish!

  19. After hearing you speak so lovingly of your girl in previous posts, I’m sorry to hear about the trust factor being broken. I hope you guys can work through it. You both have to want it.

  20. where are all the people who were saying “She’s a keeper”? i always say give it time for them to show their true colors before u start saying they are keepers and what not.Looks like me and u have shared the same shoes in this situation, nigga. Drop this shit. keepin her around is just gonna feed into ur insecurites. She’s too fuckin young. let life teach her about this shit, or better yet, let some other nigga put up with all this bullshit. u aint gotta keep gettin hurt so she learns how to act in a relationship. besides, now everything she’s ever said is suspect. u can’t trust anything she’s ever said or will say. prayer, words, shit even her actions in front of u cant bring back that trust cuz u dont know what happens when u leave her by herself, nahmean?on top of that, Koko, very often when a man is betrayed, he loses respect for the relationship, so that shit might tempt him to do dishonest shit cuz he feels that woman is unworthy of his best……so, both of yall better watch ur backs now. hate to be the pessimistic (real) nigga but it’s just a matter of time before this relationship crumbles if u ask me. all you “love is eternal” freaks, heed my word on this; i’ve seen this shit too many times to not know.

  21. SOO many different opinions on here…what else can I add??I guess the only thing I thought about after reading this is that not all relationships that go through trust issues end up in failure…my marriage is proof of that. And if a marriage can make it through trust issues, I definitely think a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship can. My only point is… although everybody can give their opinion, only God knows the answer to this. Sounds like yall were off to a good start praying together; now that yall are having problems, I suggest you pray that God will give you guidance on the right thing to do. That is the only decision that matters, not any of these bloggers (although I am sure they have good intentions).Best wishes to you!~Blessings!~

  22. damn dude, thats bogus as hell, and i hate when people lie to me also because it makes me feel that i cant believe anything you say….i dont know, i see both sides…you should forgive because it’s best for you to move one, like someone else said, but that doesnt mean that you’ll forget…that trust is gone….so that trust will have to be earned again…also people make mistakes, so i believe in a 2nd chance…but be watchful, but then that its self is kind of problematic, because why be with someone you cant trust? but people can change, and like i said your trust will have to be earned…but if it happens again, you know what to do…if you made that mistake would you want her to give you a second chance? would she even give you a 2nd chance? but it doesnt matter what any of us say, not even her…we cant help make this decision for you…you have to pray for real, i mean REALLY pray! for like you said ask God for some guidence on this situation…i hope that this works out for the better for both of you…

  23. Ok…i thought I was just going to read this real quick before going to bed BUT I see that I was wrong. I’m definitely going to have to make my way back to this long ass entry!!! *smile*

  24. Alrighty then. *wiping forehead* Ok…here’s the thing. When TRUST becomes an issue, you have problems. I speak from experience. From both ends. I’ve lied to a significant other before. Little white lie. Something I didn’t even have to lie about. But I did. And I regretted it. It’s not to say that I loved him any less. Know what I mean? But at the same time, being the one that was been lied to on several occassions, I can’t stand the feeling of always thinking and wondering, “I wonder he is telling the truth? I wonder if he’s really where he says he is?” You know? That type of shit. You don’t want to always be looking at that person out of the corner of your eyes everytime they tell you something. Saying, “Mmm hmm….whatever!(to yourself) That shit will drive you crazy. I know it just about did drive me crazy. *sigh*

  25. It’s funny how hard it is to let people go. I’m sorry you had to go through that. Trust is soooo important and when it’s broken it’s even harder to trust again.I’m praying for you!Lambchop~

  26. I’m with luke on this one. Perhaps take a break to re-evaluate things. If you step back, you’ll see things more clearly.I recently did a post about this. It seems clear that you love her, but you (and her) have to be sure that she loves you. Actions speak louder than words, and I honestly think she believes she loves you, but her actions don’t seem to show it. Just my opinion.So I think you both need to gauge where you are in the relationship right now. Can you rebuild that trust? Can she sacrifice for you? Are you both on the same page?Good luck to you both.

  27. Whats the difference between her and the NHEG, both lied to you after having numerous times to come clean. Obviously you love your sister Saia, what would you tell her if the roles were reversed and she was in your shoes and some dude did that to her. You can’t trust her, there’s nothing there anymore. Gian I suggest you get your life together, b/c I feel part of your life is incomplete, chalk her up to game as a lost, move on, its obvious she’s not the one. She’ll hurt you again, and then you’ll be kicking yourself. And that moment of prayer, what was that, a little to late for that she should’ve prayed for strength when she was letting ole boy play w/those “sweater kittens”. She’s a lost, she betrayed your trust,the ONE true thing anybody can give some one and she gave it away. She’s not the one, everybody gets chalked.

  28. Take some advice from our old buddy Michael Franks:Look for a soul mate Someone whose love will go the Distance Stop collecting only temporary hearts Just find a soul mate And then let go of your resistance You’ll live happy ever after from the start You need a soul mate Before your house of cards collapses Whose devotion’s like a candle in the night Locate a soul mate To help you navigate the rapids That rise up along the river of your life Find your soul mate Gian. If you don’t feel that Koko’s not it, then chalk.

  29. Damn I’m late. I’m sorry about all of this, Gian. I know as well as anyone else how much trouble relationships can be. So I won’t try to put my 50 cents in as to what you should to. You already know who to take it to. And if you feel it’s worth saving, I’m sure you will make it work. We do all make mistakes but whether or not this mistake is something you want to deal with is up to you.

  30. Dude, I don’t know you but judging from the comments on this blog, lots of people love you and think that you are a stand up guy. With that being the case, you DESERVE more than what this young lady has given you. Trust is the foundation of any relationship…both romantic and platonic. Without it, there is nothing.Although this girl may have had good reason for lying to you about her past dealing w/ her “friend” (maybe wanting to save you some heartbreak or concern), her actions have shattered any chance of untarnished trust.Release her and prepare yourself for someone that DESERVES you…

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