Ammendmant to my 100 things list

#102 I am NOT HIV positive.

So last week I was getting my haircut and my friend Lance starts talking to me about how this girl he was seeing got upset at him because he went to get tested for STD’s. Apparently she took that as a shot at her. In the midst of this conversation he brought up to me that a former partner of mine was rumored to have been “burnin niggas” This in addition to a warning from another partner of mine in the September era who told me she had an STD made me a little on edge. So in the interest of starting a new relationship without baggage of any sort (emotional or physical) I decided to go get myself tested. As expected by me in my last post I did start frequenting the casino and various card games about the city in the absensce of my main source of entertainment. And also as expected it completely ruined my sleeping patterns so I was awake at 7:30 this AM to visit the local free clinic and beat the rush. After drawing blood they bring me into this room where this lady with a glove tells me to drop my draws. She’s not really my type but she had a pretty face so I oblige hoping I’m not too dis-erect. She grabs and stretches my penis which I only think is uncomfortable because then she proceeds to stick some kind of cotton swab directly into the hole clearly marked “Exit only” If I had known she was going to do that I don’t know if I would have had the courage to get tested. At any rate they tell me to go wait in the room for my HIV results. I’m mentally prepping myself to hear the results, rationalizing to myself the reasons why I couldn’t possibly have HIV. The sign on the wall mocks me

Symptoms of HIV may not show from several months to several years after contact with HIV.

The lady with the white labcoat who was sent to retrieve my results comes back in the room and asks for my name to verify that I’m the patient who’s results are on the sheet she’s holding, then tells me to wait just a second. In my head I’m like “Wait for what? How long does it take to say negative?” So when after five minutes she still hasn’t come back I start rationalizing why I do have HIV. Once again the sign mocks me.

There is no cure for HIV

I’m sleep deprived and slightly weary from all the blood they sucked out of my arm so I start getting real antsy in my head. Finally the lady comes back out and calls #41 as opposed to my real name.


she walks me into the office, and with her foot begins removing the doorstop so she can close the door. “Fuck she need to close the door for” my ego says getting defensive now. I’m quite positive at this point that she’s going to tell me I have HIV so I just drown everything out and wait for the key word. The English langauage has some beautiful words but none more eloquent than…


“You’re ok.” she says
” ” silence from me.
“So what are you going to do to prevent HIV in the future?”
“I’m getting married” I tell her with more conviction than any profound statement I’ve ever made.

So life is good now. I got my Ipod back yesterday, I got money in my pockets, tomorrow is the fish fry for Good Friday, I’m in love and shit, and I’m 0 for 1 on terminal illness.

By the way thanks to all the well wishers who commented on my last post. I don’t plan on being all mushy here all the time so count on not hearing too much more about Kawagalyn unless it’s part of the story. But know that she’s not going anywhere.


25 responses to “Ammendmant to my 100 things list

  1. sucks….the comment section never works right when i want to comment…see, i’m glad they have something like that for men, because pap smears are horrible…but that sounds like it may hurt more…glad you found out good news.

  2. Well see, something good came outta the negative! *wink* 😀 I would be so mortified though to be picked and probed like that, but it was for a good thing I ‘spose.Ahh and you better write mushy stuff every now and then, us (well, me) “singles but hatin it” do need our lil fix on these things at times! hehe *xoxo*

  3. this is probably the only time something “negative” is actually “positive”. hahahaha. some crazy girl up here had sex with soldiers on a army base, and gave them HIV. She’s being charged with homicide and stuff too. damn crazy sex fiends…

  4. Once they closed that door in the clinic, I probably woulda passed out right there on the floor! Big ups for reminding me(and hopefully all peeps) to get tested. I’m putting it in my calendar now.

  5. You are a mess…only you can take a test for a STD and make it a fleshed-out story. (Guess that’s what we writers do though, huh?) It takes a big man to get tested. I thought nothing of it when I asked my ex, but now I see that you truly have to care about yourself and the person you are with in order to get tested.

  6. @Toya sorry. Don’t think it’s quite the same. I’m sure since this is the only time this has happened to me that they only reserve it for these circumstances. And it only hurts for like ten seconds. But when we get older and get prostate exams I hear those are lots of fun.@Fran just for you I’ll throw in a little mush every so often@Rock See I’ve been saying that for years but people always look at me funny when I say it.@Starr While I was sitting in the chair I was thinking if I am positive I won’t be able to ever have sex again. I started thikning about that man who infected 17 women and got convicted and I was like I wouldn’t even feel right having sex with someone if they did know I had it.@Wanna_be Good luck. Hope they don’t even bother closing your door. But if they do don’t fret it’s just part of the protacol@Soul Actually this was the concise version. I was pretty sleepy when I got home this morning after being out all night but I wanted to get it out while the feeling was fresh in me. Now which dude are you talking about anyway? Slim or midnight? ;)@Jonetsu I got my fingers crossed. Don’t want you having no ill feelings about you when you come down for Essence.

  7. First of all, your friend’s girl that got mad because he got tested? It’s people like that who perpetuate the ignorance. It’s good to be tested every once in a while and it’s not a shot against whoever you’re with.I feel you about the waiting, though. Mannnn….I got tested with a friend last month and in the 20 minutes we had to wait, I had convinced myself I had AIDS. Not even the virus. Full blown. Heh.But congrats! You don’t have the Hiv! Let’s get daiquiris to celebrate

  8. Congratulations man!! That’s good shit! I know exactly what you were going through. Reading all the signs on the wall….time ticking on….negative thoughts….etc. I know because I was there a little over a month ago. I had been itching to take the HIV test. I kept seeing the billboards, listening to the HIV rates on radio/tv commercials. I broke down and did it. Thankfully, I was negative! *wiping forehead*

  9. congrats man… i can take an hiv test everyday and not even have sex and still be just as paraniod!!!and that cottons swab shit hurt like a BEYAAAAAACCCH!

  10. Hey dawg. The Hell with it. Keep that mushy shit coming. I’m with ya mannnn. When my wife and I were dating and it began to get serious, she said lets get tested. I thought, how cool is that? Because I wanted to say that to her, but was hesitant about it from previous experiences. Some of the sistas weren’t feeling that when I posed that question and hey, were left azzz out. Kudos for you for doing it. Your heart is in the right place. By the way, have you ever seen the movie One Week? Check it out man. It’s Deeeeeep! And considered very essential viewing for everyone. Peace.

  11. I’ve seen your name a lil bit something like everywhere, so finally decided to click on you. There’s all sorts of goodness around heyuh. My bad, nobody told me. Anyway, when I went for my very first HIV test, I went to the 7-day joint and it was the longest week of my life and then when I returned, the mofos had the audacity to tell me that my results weren’t back yet. I went on the ninth day to be sure and because I was scared as hell and they still weren’t in? They finally gave me my good news, but talk about postal. Everybody up in there was “motherfucker this, and motherfucker that.” Congrats on the good news and the new girl.

  12. First and foremost, I commend you on getting tested and braving up to it. Many people don’t do it and should, and since I’m all into this preventative medicine stuff, I’m very happy and proud to have you as a friend for doing so. Secondly, this story was one of the funniest stories I have ever read!!! Jenn and I were rolling on the floor laughing as she read this blog to me. I seriously want to print this post out and put in in my office. It’s so funny, so vivid, and it definitely an experience that many can relate to. You know what, after reading just the past 3 blogs (yeah, i haven’t been keeping up…you know, with my trip around the continental US and all), Jenn and I have dediced you’re like the guy version of Carey on “Sex in the City”. Not with all her attributes, but your Blog is equivalent to her column, and everything you write about is whitty, funny, racy, and intellectual…all in the same bit. Everyone can relate to your stories in some form or fashion, and you always have tons of feedback. G, you’re gonna be one hell of a writer someday! I can’t wait till the day when I see your name in Bold Print. hee!

  13. My dearest Gian…however do you wade through life in one peice and still have the time to play cards all night! Brutha’ G. That was the funniest sh!t I’ve read in I don’t know how lonng! I have a blog now baby! Its not as well developed yet, but its up and I’m going to see if I can make it half as cool as yours! 🙂 Holla’ back bro’! Glad U clean! No need to punch in your playa card yet…so, when am I going to FINALLY meet your girl? Tell her I said HEY!

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