Please beat your kids, cause they won’t let me.

I wrote this poem at work today. I dig it so now ya’ll gotta listen.


I am stymied by life’s cycle.
I wish only to express original thought.
Why would I write it if it’s already been read?
Why would I say it if it’s already been said?
Alas, there’s nothing new under the sun.

Ever want to feel useless? Become a substitute teacher. Being a sub is the only job where the people you supervise know they have more authority than you. I’ve been a sub for about 3 years now. I’ve only had one other job for this long (delivering pizzas) and I loved that job. This job has it’s benefits. For one there’s a shortage of teachers in New Orleans because or system is so screwed up and an even greater shortage of subs. So the system definitely needs me more than I need them. It’s hard to get fired from being a sub and you can pretty much go in whenever you want cause there’s always a need for you somewhere. Subbing resembles babysitting except that you’re handling anywhere between 10 and 30 kids at the same time. Subbing for grade school and subbing high school is like two different worlds, but both equally bad. Elementary kids are the worst. They are ALL bad. I’ve been to the good schools, the ones with parent involvement and children from well structured homes. I’ve been to the bad ones with kids from single parent homes where the mother takes no interest in her child’s education. I submit to you again, they’re ALL bad. They have way too much energy all the time. They don’t sit still ever. Everything is an issue. If one of the other children sticks his tongue out then that turns into a ten minute whining fest where they’re all trying to get the last word. When they do something they always lie and say they didn’t do it. One time I had a kid throw a book across the room. He looked over to me to see if I saw him throw it. I was watching the whole time and was staring him in the eyes when he turned with that guilty look on his face. That little boy had the nerve to tell me “What? I didn’t do anything!” You evil little bastard. I wanted to wring his lying neck. As if they aren’t bad enough, I’m a man and a young man at that. They don’t buy into that concept and they try to endear me as a friend which takes away all authority. Then there’s constantly something to do with these bad ass kids. There is always a lesson plan to be followed. Good luck trying to work with a student individually. That’s like a free pass to make a fool out of yourself. I hate kids. The high schoolers are a little better because they don’t really want to be bothered so for the most part they stay out of your way and can be bribed into being quiet by telling them they don’t have to do anything. However, on some occasions they refuse to adhere to even those simple rules. And there is no illusion of authority. At the high schools I go to some of these kids are older than me and most don’t give one whit about the word future. How can you discipline a student who doesn’t have anything to lose? Well I don’t know what normal teachers do but I’m a sub. I just sit there and try to ignore the insubordination. For the most part this works out ok except that my mom has been employed by the school board for 30 years and is a Superintendent over several schools. So no matter where I go she always knows the chief administrators. My mom on way more than one occasion has made sure to let me know I better not embarrass her and these were all before the age of 12. So now with that guilt ingrained in me it makes it nearly impossible for me to slip into Gian nonchalant mode and do nothing without fear of repercussion. Anit wrote in one of her previous posts how she feels like a fraud at work. Let me tell you Anit there is no bigger fraud than the substitute teacher. Trying to impersonate power you don’t have. Taking instructions on how to deal with kids who don’t care what you are saying. Trying to stay under the radar and hope that none of the schools head disciplinarian come in your vicinity and see your group of kids going crazy. The school I’ve been subbing at the most for the past few years and currently is by far the worst school ever. I mean it doesn’t have the reputation some of the other schools have because the other schools used to be much worse. But I’ve been to those schools. Some of them are getting better, some staying the same. Frederick Douglass is the worst, and getting worse. I mean these kids are so bad. I haven’t seen any fights lately but I’ve seen plenty of the after effects of it. And at some point they fought between every class period. There is constant commotion in the halls. Today, and this made me lolrl (laugh out loud real life) but these bad MFers had the nerve to have a second line in the damn hall during class. For those of you not familiar with a second line it’s basically people walking in a line dancing to some secondline music played by a jazz band. I’m not doing justice to what the second line is because it’s my favorite part of any event where you can find it. But I assure you school is not the place for it. Two kids walk in front “kicking a beat” and then two or three follow singing/chanting at the top of their lungs. Then the other kids follow and dance. A damn parade right there during school. It was so funny, one of the teachers stopped one of the students and was like what’s going on? The student was like “Man you trippin. We tryin to have a second line.” Nigga go yo ass in a classroom and read a book. The boys are always either freestyling, “tappin out” which is a play fight with open hands, or slapping some girl in the face. The girls are all either trying to sleep cause they’re pregnant, or getting loud with each other about who’s finer out of T.L. and lil flip. A lot of them are future or current criminals, but all of them live amongst criminals. There’s some good kids in there but lawd the bad ones!! I just wanna give them some shock treatment.


32 responses to “Please beat your kids, cause they won’t let me.

  1. LMAO…I remember the days of torturing subs…it wasn’t all that long ago in fact. Funny thing is, I remember we all LOVED this one sub who would come in and just read the paper. He would talk to us, tell us the assignment and then read his paper for the rest of the class. We never acted up with him. Maybe it was because he had that “I’m cool as a muthafucka til on of you little shits acts up and then I’ll turn into Satan” aura about him?

  2. LMBO! Ahh man, I remember those sub days. I was actually the good quiet student that was boiling inside cause all the idiots making it hard on the nice poor subbie! Hmph. :o) I wanted to bust a fist in those kids faces. Bleh! I always had crushes on most of the subs though…muahaha, go figure.

  3. I feel your pain Man. Can you repeat after me though “All of these lil kids claimin they bangers- Doing all sorts of twisted shit with they fingers – Disrespecting the game, no home training or manners – Gian was doin this ish when you was poopin’ in them Pampers – Holla man. I can’t talk, I was one of those wild azz shorties too, but today’s breed is something different altogether! -lol

  4. You had me trippin out about the sencondline!! I NEVER saw anything like that in high school, but then again I went to HS in Kenner. My aunt is a sub in New Orleans too. She has a little ghetto-ness in her, so she will be quick to curse back to a little kid. I remember one time she told me a 5-year old told her “You’re a B***H!” She told the little boy “Yo Mama’s a B***H!” That’s just wrong!!LOLYes, these kids in the N.O. are unruly!

  5. LMAO (as you said, in real life)… Second line??? I’d never heard of anything like that at school! I would have paid money to see that and hear the remark the kid made to the teacher. Lawd have mercy I woulda been on the floor. My man is a teacher… I don’t know how y’all do it. I’d have to beat someone for sure.

  6. Gian my brotha, you have fortitude. I know that everyone is put here for a purpose and I know that mine is not to teach. I’d be so tempted to strangle one of those rugrats if they get out of hand.

  7. Being that Boog’s father, my step-mother, and my step-sister are teachers in this wack-ass sytem that u speak of, the greatest advice that I was given when I considered “teaching” was…take a kid outside, curse them out really quick…even throw in a threat or 2…and then act like u never had the conversation. It’ll be your word against theirs and who’s going to take the word of a bad ass kid. But then again, them kids that u deal with are probably bigger than u.

  8. LMAO!! I’m seriously feeling for you! This experience has gotta get you rethinking the whole parenting deal. One moment I know I want them, but then I see some bad a$$ kid acting a dayum fool in public and I change my mind real quick. I’m on the fence right now.Lambchop~

  9. LOL! That was hilarious! I comtemplated becoming a teacher at one point in my life, but that right there are some of the reasons why I never reconsidered…I’m just not patient enough! Plus my body can’t handle to much Vicodin at one time…lol! Hearing this story kinda reminds me of my HS days…some bad asses we were to! lol.Nikki is right, you have fortitude. And a second line during school!! *smh* Lawd geeze!! I commend you man for taking all that in on the regular, b/c I would have probably strangled myself by then my bru’vah ….3yrs wow! I praise you for that. haha!

  10. @Quinn you went to Fannie C so you know my pain.@Soul That’s basically what I do. I come in and read or listen to music and pray that the fight doesn’t start in my room so I don’t have to answer any questions.@Fran If I had more students like you I might be more motivated to go to work.@Luke No kidding. I certainly didn’t give subs a break but I was like I’ma sit here and play cards even though you don’t want me to but I’m not gonna start any trouble either.@ Tweets I never thought about the “yo mama’s a bitch” approach. I’ll have to look into that. Believe me if I could crack into that Jefferson Parish school system I would.@Minimee yeah that kid was pissed cause the secondline was leaving him behind because of that stupid teacher bothering him. That made yesterday all worthwhile. Kids in Africa are pissed cause they can’t get educated. This lil negro is pissed because they busy trying to educate him while he’s trying to dance.@Nikki I’m still trying to figure out if that’s my purpose because one might get strangled sooner or later.@Diggs a lot of them are bigger and I don’t know if you heard or not but for the second straight year somebody got shot in a high school today so I won’t be passing any threats around to these kids.@Lamb Oh no. I know I’m still gonna have kids. Only I’ma beat mine. I’mma beat they ass til they’re bigger than me. I’ll be damned if my kids go into schools acting like some of these animals.

  11. @Dayrell actually the secondline was the best part of my day. The beats these children were producing with their hands were better than Kanye.@SOul And that’s so true. At one of the schools I was at doing Elementary these parents swore fo Lawd they kid could do no wrong. I’m sitting here telling them how they’re kid was misbehaving and then they’re acting like I was too harsh trying to discipline them. I’m like “Nigga I was bout to fuck yo kid up. You better be happy he can still walk.”

  12. As a fellow sub (i hate it!) i cant agree with you more. Hell, i threw a garbage can against the wall cuz i got so pissed at the kids. Shit didnt help at all but give me the nick name of the garbage can man with all the kids.

  13. damn… you almost scared me out of becoming a teacher. i want to be a high school history teacher, but will kids care about the past, if they dont give a flip about their own futures? damn… the way that school is sounds like a movie. i never knew schools were that bad. not even the worst school in toronto has people freestylin and dancing in the halls during class… that’s crazy.

  14. Whooo Gian. You a good one for that. I’m with the other’s on this one that I couldn’t do it. I’ll be ready to’.ass! But as God’s Tweety was saying in her post, it all starts with the parents and /or their home life. It they have nothing to lose, then what does it matter?

  15. I distinctly remember reading this entry and commenting, but maybe I closed a wrong window or something. At any rate. Bad kids usually want attention. Only problem is you can’t give it to them all. And on being a fraud. Yeah, I suppose being a substitute anything is like that. Especially a substitute teacher, since teacher’s authority may be weak already. You’re making it though, keep up the good work, kids are our future you konw. As bad as they are I truly believe that and we just have to make extreme investments in them as the public if their parents don’t… if the home fails, school is next in line or so Nel Noddings says and I agree

  16. Gian,I’m impressed that you keep going back everyday. My mother is a teacher and I know for sure that ain’t no joke. I’ve been in the classroom with her before and wanted to put the smackdown on them myself.

  17. lol@A”t the high schools I go to some of these kids are older than me and most don’t give one whit about the word future.”Man….i hate bad kids too! i’d chock them if child services didnt get involve…these kids are HORRIBLE these days, no respect for people older than them…they cuss infront of older people…if i did that, my mama wouldve knocked my teeth out…and they was bad when i was in school…i’m just 23, i graduated high school 5 years ago…i can just imagine how it is now…

  18. SHOCK TREATMENT!!! And I laughed so hard at the lind … “nigga go back to class and read a book!” ROTFLMAO!!!! :)I was kinda upset and kinda relieved when the kindergarten Sunday School class I used to teach was given to another person. Not because I was bad, but because the new job requires work on Sunday sometimes. I had dem bad ass kids in line too. Their teacher before was gentle and let them run around like hooligans. Not so with Sista Solitaire! “Y’all lil’ imps SIT DOWN! SIT DOWN!” I was gonna say “SIT THE HELL DOWN” but that wouldn’t look good in church, no no no…You also pointed out a larger problem… a wha di ASS wrong with kids these days? Remember when an elder (a teacher, principal, parent, church person) would give you THE LOOK you would clam up? These kids these days BRIGHT.I think it’s time for the Bernie Mac method… carry a hamma around and NOK kids upside the head… that’s right. Not KNOCK. NOK THE SH*T OUTTA THEM!!!lol!

  19. I could not be a substitute teacher. I mean, you just never know what to expect with each class you walk into…and I need some type of routine. That second line thing sounds like fun. I wish our school did something like that when I was in high school. Im sure our faculty would not have had it though….

  20. I am so sorry. My mom has been a sub for 6 years and she’s stressed out like those are her kids. i thought about doing it because its an easy job to get when you move, but after this i have my reservations…

  21. I am so sorry for you. I tried teaching with my music degree and I realized that not only would I need a serious cocktail daily,….I would hurt somebody. That job is the reason I don’t have kids today. I feel for ya brother. Whenever a parent says that they are gonna beat their kids ass in presence,…I am usually the one to say, “I’ll cover you.”

  22. For the most part you are right. But maybe you should use a little empathy, we were a kids once. So you mean to tell me you were an angel? Don’t lie! I know first hand. about some of your adolescent antics! I distinctly remember some of the shit we used to do when we were young out of pure boredom, like sit on grandmother porch and eat ants! Who does that? We did! I think it’s Karma. All kids are not bad though, at least where im from. Keep your head up Lil’ cuz!

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